Here we go again...

Well since having Davids testing done and all seems to be ok, we are going to proceed with yet another cycle with our surrogate and our new egg donor.

We have also, in the interim, sent out adoption paperwork, and we are already into phase two of that so hopefully, we will have good news soon.

It is hard to believe that another year has passed...

Adoption, Insurance Plans and Choosing a new Donor

Well, it has been a few weeks since the bad news and we are doing our best to try and move forward.

We have sent out adoption paperwork - thorugh an agency here in Florida. And we have chosen a new egg donor.

Both will cost thousands.

It is a means to an end..and we will get there one way or another.

As for Insurance plans we never knew that this existed. It seesm you pay $28,000 and if you do not have a live birth at the end, then you gets some portion of your money back. We would have done that earlier, if only we were told/
So now we are filling that paperwork out in order to try and save some money.

My husband wil lbe tested again, just to see if there are any abnormalities that were not discovered before. We should get those results within a few weeks, letting us know if he was the wink link in the two retrieval /transfers that we did.

I'm holding on. It could get bumpy.

It seems...

Like everyone is having a baby, getting pregnant, or I am literally running into pregnant people in the mall.

I feel a lot of things well up in me, mostly envy...with a sprinkle of saddness and a dash of regret.

I will have my family one way or another...and I know patience is a virtue. I have a lot of patience.

I confessed a scary thought to my husband the other day..I said I had a flash forward...of when we finally get a baby. The baby will be in a carraige, and I will be in a wheel chair and you will be on a jazzy scooter behind me pushing all of us through the mall.

Not funny, but very possible.

Paperwork and More Paperwork

Today was a hard day.
I don't know why.
Perhaps it is because my husband continues to focus on the negative and that is bothersome. My attiitude, "What is done is done". Period. I don't like focusing on the negative, and the bad energy that goes along with that.

So we are looking for a new egg donor, and today mailed out the first (in what will be many) files of paperwork for adoption.

I am ready. My husband not so much.

Hopefully he warms to the idea.

At least I know now that at the end of this, we WILL get a baby.

On the other hand

I know some people are feeling just as bad as we are. After all they have been along for the baby ride right a long with us.

Some have said heartfelt apologies, tearful "I'm sorrys", and in general have been just a huge comfort to my husband and myself. Thank god.
Of course there are one or two idiot's out here roaming around, who have given advice such as " When god wants you to have a baby, that is when you will get one". WTF???

OK, so the little girl who had a baby and killed it two days ago, because she got pregnant by accident and didn't know it (yeah right) and then wrapped the baby in plastic and killed it, She deserved a baby , and I don't? What kind of moron says that kind of thing?

I have an idea. If you don't know what the hell you are talking about, you god-squad holy roller, keep your damn mouth shut!

I'm done.

Losing something that you never had to begin with

We are mourning. The promise of a life, the promise of a future, the promise of all the good and bad, the hurdles and obstacles , the victories and defeats.. that come with a new life.

We didn't loose a life. It never had happened, but it doesn't make the loss any less devastating. To be that close....it just doesn't make sense.

We are tongue-tied and exhausted. it feels like we are sitting on the edge..just a little too close for comfort. Easily irritable, annoyed, saddened..but never once pointing the finger of blame in any one direction. It is no one's fault.

Yes we waited too long to have a baby
That much we know.
That much is clear.

But..really ..when you are in your 30's enjoying life, who's thinking about a baby?

We have lived a lot of "If Only" these last few years. My husband more so than me. Placing blame on himself, being negative...this is how he was raised.

I on the other hand choose to look at how fortunate we are. That we could even do the donation and transfer, not once but twice in the hopes of having a baby, are miraculous and a gift. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful. Grateful.
There are plenty of people who never even get to that point.

So I feel fortunate.

But for now, I'll cradle my kitten, because he will let me. I will hold him over my shoulder and pat him on the bottom, because he will let me. He follows me and sleeps on me, and thankfully I have him.

He is a baby ..not for much longer. I will baby him, until he no longer lets me.

Negative

Well, we sit here reeling after dissapointing news. No pregnancy, thus forcing us to look at our options and make some difficult decisions.

We shouldn't be shocked. But we are. I for one, was so postive through the whole process, that I was contemplating how this baby would alter my (our lives). I was ready, we were ready. But apparantly baby was not to be.

Moving on, we are looking ahead. Already searching for new egg donors. Perhaps we just haven't found the "right" one. Along with that, we will look at adoption.

Sometimes, life tells you where you need to go and in what direction.

I think we are on the right path.

Time is of the essence...

Well, it is Sunday the night before we are due to get a call, which will alter our lives no matter what the outcome. On the one side, a positive blood test for pregnancy would mean our lazy days are over! On the flip side, a negative, could mean starting over, adopting or quitting all together.

Everyone we know is collectively holding their breath ..as are we.

Even a margarita didn't quell my nerves...It is so many things, so many feelings overflowing at once. A jumble of knots in the pit of my stomach leaves me feeling like I am being squeezed from the inside out, making it difficult to breath.

Hold your breath...

Ready or not...

Birthday

Happy Birthday to me.
45 today ...where did the time go?

I don't feel 45...although some days I'm looking it.

Here's to 46 with a baby on the way!

Five more days till we findout, if our little science project worked...

Slow Pokes Bailed

UPDATE:

The two remaing embryo's that we had, hanging out in the petrie dish, have NOT grown any further thus rendering them not viable for freezing.
MEANING:

If our transfer doesn't work, we are back to Square One just like last time. With none left over for freezing, we would have to aquire another egg donor, pay the agency another fee, and pay thousands more for testing etc...

Talk about ironic...

I wish we didn't have to wait to know...

Well here we are. Still waiting.
Our surrogate was on bed rest for most of the weekend, and now it is just some more waiting.
She will go for bloodwork next Monday at which point we should know a few hours afterwards what the results are.
Now I know what the Oscar nominees feel...you are all tingly and nervous, maybe even sick to your stomach before getting the results. Either way it will be a rough day.

I am hoping to be off that afternoon so I can wait by the phone.

I hope for her (surrogate's)sake as well as ours that we ARE pregnant. She has committed so much to this process, it almost seems unfair if it doesn't happen. She deserves to get paid, a thankless job really, so I am hoping with every ounce of hope I have in me..that is will be positive.

If not, I'm just not sure where we are headed....

Stay tuned....

Random Thought

Thought of the day:

"This is so much cheaper than therapy"......

Where Oh Where Was I?

Back to the Agency and all those involved in the "Baby Charade"

I believe for the most part, most people are good. Underline MOST . Some are not, and I believe on our baby quest, we met a whole lot of not so nice people along the way.

Some parasites, umm I mean people, prey on those who are desperate. They feed off the longing and desires of others, and suck you dry until you literally have nothing left.

Our original agency paired us with one Jerry Springer reject after another. By the last one, I was just hoping she had teeth.

The one "normal" one, actually was nice. She had a job in a law firm and it looked very promising. Until our agency failed to call her when she requested and she wound up leaving our agency for another and went with another couple entirely.

"The agency" who should have been at the very least having recent tests done on these women, had US pay for testing, and two of them wound up being unacceptable into the surrogate program.

See this is the thing. If I am paying you five thousand dollars to broker the deal with what could be essentially watermelons, but it is actually the renting of a uterus or the housing of human life, then why aren't you providing to me, acceptable women, with clean bills of health ready to go onto the next phase? Why?

We payed for meals travel, and Dr's visits all for women who were useless to us.
Hello! Do I look like I have unlimited funds? Yes my highlights are expensive, but it doesn't mean I wanna go throwing my retirement money out the window!

Also at every stop, first this Dr was the one to go to, the one getting everyone pregnant, then it was someone else. All of whom wanted to see my whoo -ha. Now, I'm not the freaking patient! Explain that! If I had a reason to show someone my bits, I would , but the Dr saying he could cure me of whatever my problem was, Sorry, Not happening! (Plus my problem was not who-ha related).

*(Definition:Who- Ha, Bits- Nether region, V for victory, I think you get my meaning)

Needless to say, why is it needless to say? I do need to say it...
Be careful with agencies! Get referrals. Talk to those they have gotten pregnant, and by all means do not pay for anything, NOTHING until you have that person under a signed and legal contract.

I'm off my soapbox now.....

I hear cats fighting outside. Till tomorrow.

Transfer Complete!

Well, today was the big day.
At 7 AM the Doc called to let us know how are eggsicles were doing. Apparently, two went to the "blast" stage, ( there they go with that medical terminology again!) and two others are lagging behind a bit.
The two that are lagging, got left behind so to speak and the other two got implanted into our surrogate without any issues or problems.

I am hoping she is kicking up her feet and getting the necessary bed rest this weekend. I am guessing she will be up and around Sunday or Monday/ So now we just really wait/ This is the hardest part.

Our two slow pokes , if they don't catch up by tomorrow, will not be considered for freezing, which is not good, but at the very least we had a few to implant so we are happy!

More about the eggs on the short bus tomorrow.

Ummmmmmm

Is anyone else out there addicted to TMZ.com?
It is so funny...I crack up reading it...
Check it out...

Hanging On

Well we got little information on the eggs today, as the do not look at them on day 4. I have no idea why. I hope they don't feel neglected...

So tomorrow Sept 13 is the BIG day. The transfer will occur at 7:15 am and we should be hearing from their office around 7..to let us know how things look.

This go round is happening a lot easier than the last time. We have one major contact person, and the others in the office seem to know about us too which is comforting since we have been involved with the clinic for about a year now.

We should have news regarding a baby by the 26th......

Until then...

Eggggsellent!

Well, after much debate on what was transpiring and when, we got the call this morning, that seven of the nine eggs that remain are "optimum". ( I hope they decide to hang in there, tomorrow morning should be key...)

Our transfer to our surrogate Lisa will take place on Thursday morning, after which she will drive home and promptly retire to bed.
Not an easy thing to do when you have two children of your own!So I am sending out lots of love and good wishes to her and her family for being so patient.

I am pretty sure the Doc said we should have news by month's end, so ...we wait.

We are keeping all available fingers and toes crossed.

*On another note:
My good friend S****** and her husband have gotten their referral finally to go to Viet Nam, to get their baby that awaits them there. They have named her Mattine. She will be a very fortunate girl to be placed with such loving, and caring people. God Bless.

Sept. 11, 2001- WE WILL NOT FORGET

I have my flag out front, and my yellow ribbon tied...
How about you??????
Remember those who perished, remember those who are serving our country.

Just Wonderin'

*Is it really bad to consume a whole jar of dill pickles? Anyone? Anyone?

* What kind of idiot EXERCISES in nearly 100 degree HUMID weather In Florida, mid afternoon no less, wearing leggings and a turtleneck?
(Answer: The idiot who lives down the block from me who I see every freakin day, with her rail thin scarecrow companion. )
(Advice- Eat a cheeseburger, take off some of those layers, and relax for Christ's sake.) I dry heave everytime I see them.

*What kind of drivers does Florida have? With the exception of myself and maybe my husband and a few close friends I WILL get into a car with, NOT MANY!
Thoughts to self:
Im not even convinced they make you take a driving test, a literal driving exam that proves you can drive. I wanna see one. Check on licensing requirements for average joe.

*What kind of idiot walks a big fluffy dog with hair down the to the ground at 12 noon every freakin day, dragging the poor thing along, with its tongue hanging out, nearly ready to die, owner oblivious to the heat stroke the dog is incurring?
*Answer - Bigger idiot that lives down the street from the spandex wearing turtleneck fetish runner.

Watch for more "What kind of idiot" coming soon"

Gets this party started!

Ok, so we get up at the ungodly hour of 4 am, to be ready to leave at 5 am to make it all the way up to Orlando, Land of Disney and eggs, for our egg retrieval from our egg donor.

We arrive on time, early even, where we proceed to a Dunkin' Donuts (my fav) and I approach the counter and order munchkins for the Doc's office and a coffee (med , extra light with milk- no cream!) and a choco milk for my "producer" husband.

The counter attendant, a little guy, very cute, floats up to the counter, gushing "I jusssst luvvvvv your hair!" It makes me smile . We pay for our treats and make our way to the Doc's where there is work to be done.

After being told my husband was in the room "producing" ,and whipping out plastic to pay our gargantuan bill, for our egg donor retrieval and our surrogates own journey a few days from today and apart from my husband, we were in and out within fifteen minutes. Dare I say that they could have provided cocktails and dinner? I felt so unsatisfied....

Well, all is said and done.
They have retrieved 18 eggs.

I had a chat with my husbands spem on the way to Orlando telling all slackers that they should bow out of this one, and give the job to the guys who really want it.
I am hoping they were listening. I know it can get hot down there, and especially after my husbands full contact tennis lesson (another story for another day)the other day. I am suprised any of his Guys showed up to bat at all. It was a miracle.

Our surrogate will have a party of one on Tuesday or Thursday, and we should hear from Superdave at the clinic tomorrow telling us which eggs look like the stronger, and fittest eggs. All I kept thinking this whole time is "Gee I hope they like the sperm". If they dont get a long this will just suck. Big time.

On another note:

I did buy make believe Sour Patch Kids, from the candy store at the mall today. A poor substitution for my Snak Club "Sour Gummy Bears". A road trip to the West Palm Airport, is looking like the only way I will get my fix. Hey maybe I can do some Christmas shopping while I am there?

Overheard

At a bar the other day:

"These are my bitches and whores", said the drunk girl slung over the bar introducing her "posse" to other patrons, and she struggled to get her head off her plate of seafood.

The bartender responded" Do you want me to wrap that up, so maybe when you come out of your coma in two or three days you'll have something to eat?"

Sad, but funny.

I'l be Brief, I Swear

Also...
While traveling the past week, I have developed a slight addiction to something my husband is calling "Sour Patch Dolls". When I ask if he means Sour Patch Kids, he just stares "You know what I mean!"

He hates it when I indulge in my sugar habit, which I know to be annoying and compulsive, but sometimes a girl cant help it. Its not like I am *"Snikity Snacking" all the time"

(*Snickity Snacking a term my husband coined when he thought I was lounging during the day, snacking my way through the house in the afternoon, thus not being hungry at dinner.)

So my addiction to Sour Gummy Bears by a company called Snak Club (Just a coincidence on the Snak, and MY Snickity Snack) raging and now I will either have to drive to Ft Lauderdale airport ( because that is where I bought them in the first place) (Maybe they have them in West Palm!) or go on line and try to order them and have them discreetly shipped.

Second, but no less important:

My love for shoes has reached a new high ..literally.
Bought these lovely little gems at Nordstroms Shoe dept ( like heaven for women, and maybe sex too)

They are sparkly silver, kind of weathered. HIGH HIGH heels. Completely tacky, Whoorish even...hookerish, whatever adjective you can dream up will fit these little cougar shoes of mine. I dont know when I will wear them or even with what, but they will get worn!

Im thinking of my birthday bash next weekend, that I'm giving myself. Going to dinner with a few friends and husband of course to a new place, 3 Forks..and I'm more than excited. Now that I have a cool pair of shoes, I'm good to go.

I'm getting up early to go torture myself at Spinning. Signing off for now.

Briefly....Ok maybe not so brief

News on baby front ....

We are scheduled to do a retrieval on Saturday or Sunday of this week. Yikes.

The transfer to our surrogate is going to occur three to five days later. Apparantly Amy in the clinic is under the impression that I know waht follicles are, or that I might have been a Nurse Practictioner in a past life, the way she rolls off the medical terminology.

Ummm.... can you just tell me when we have to be there? I don't really need to know all the details..

So maybe baby we have some news by the months end.

On a lighter note, I have come to the realization that I do not want to travel on an all male vacation anymore. The past two I have taken, my husband who is my best friend, has kindly asked many member of the Lost Boys club to join us on our jaunts to sunny St Thomas.

All I have to say is "What the Fu**!"

Over Christmas I got to see all these middle age (thus the lost boys) men walking around in their underpants. From bikini bottoms to baggy boxers, it was all there. And it wasnt pretty.I rebelled, and we agreed it wouldn't happen again.

Not so. I was among four other men besides my husband, one who stayed with us, and three others that stayed in a condo nearby.
Wasn't as bad a Christmas but it ranks pretty high just the same.

New Additions

We have expanded our house by eight feet!

Two new kittens, names Izze an Iyla joined us on Saturday.

They are currently in seclusion in a big enclosed shower until they have had the rest of their shots etc..So Sophie and Sadie will have a big surprise waiting for them.

Baxter has met his two fuzzy friends and seems to like them..

All's well, that ends well.

Good News

Well, I just heard from the clinic and right now the way it looks , our donor if they can keep her supressed..will be ready for a retrieval on September 7, with a transfer following just a few days later..That is if thre are no porblems supressing the donor, whatever that means. Hlaf the time I feel like I am in a bad chinese movie...I can see lips moving, but the dialoug coming out is foreign.
So we have only a couple more weeks ..of WAITING. Of course it the results are positive:)) then we will WAIT some more, but in the end, the final result willbe work the marking time and furrowed brows. We all need a lot of botox here..

Until next time when I revisit hell and how we arrived at this destination.

Time is Flying By

Well here we are already into August. Time is certainly flying by. We were supposed to be doing our retrieval/transfer this week. Our surrogate wound up getting cysts on her ovaries, thus forcing us to delay the procedure. Right now the problem has corrected itself and our donor is due to go in on August 7th, to get a progesterone level drawn. We will have a better idea then, of when we can expect the next attempt to happen. We have been told in September, and right now I believe it will happen when it is supposed to.
In the meantime I have been trying to keep busy. I work for a great person (Shawney) and she is so much fun to be around. Levelheaded, competent, and driven ..organized...and everything I aspire to be but am not. At least I have a good example! We spend a great majority of the time just laughing our heads off. She is so easy to work for. She literally saved me. (More on that another time)

I am taking a writing class on line. I have a book in me somewhere, just dying to get out! I just have to get it down on paper. Plus, I am learning piano. By the time a kid gets here, I will be so cultured and well rounded, it will be remarkable. I tried to learn Spanish last year, I can't say I was very good, but that, like anything demands practice. I kind of fell off the wagon with the Spanish, but so far so good with the Piano and writing.
I still have some time, so I am looking for a few new endeavors to start while I wait for all this baby stuff to be done. Time will pass anyway..so I may take up painting and do some Spin classes to pass the time..maybe even a cooking class. Lord knows I could use the help there!
So baby or not, here I come!

Never getting out of Hell, Or so it seems

Well, we had some disappointing news today. Apparently the surrogate has cysts on her ovaries, thus leading us to believe that something had happened between her birth control pills and the Lupron to cause her to flare up. Seems to be some sort of miscommunication...between the clinic and the surrogate which leaves us in an uncomfortable position. We are not there to double check everything and have to go on what we are told.

Frustrating to say the least, that now our retrieval /transfer which was supposed to take place August 1st or so, is going to be pushed back for at least a month. That is if nothing else goes wrong. My husband is going to have a heart attack over it all. I'm trying to keep a level head, knowing that we have no control over any of it.

And that may be the hardest part. Giving up control.
I guess we wait and see.

Back to Hell Part Deux

Well, where was I??? Oh yes, Back to square one...
After realizing that we had just spent money to fly our potential surrogate to the clinic and paying said clinic to have her seen, we were to put it mildly, a bit dismayed.
But we didn't give up hope of finding a match. We waited patiently and finally heard from our agency. They had a new surrogate for us to meet. She lived in Florida and since we were planning a trip anyway we decided to meet up with her on the last leg of our trip.
We met up at an Olive Garden somewhere in Orlando, and with her she brought her husband and the agency owner. They seemed like a very nice, average all american couple, eager to make an impression, eager to get started. We sat around the table discussing everything ...what our expectations were , and how it compared with theirs. The spoke of their children and we of our longing for them. We finished up and said our goodbyes.
After much consideration we decided we would move forward with the couple., if they agreed also. And so a new match was born so to speak. Contracts were drawn and signed and we were on our way!

Oh, my god

I can't help but think that this time it is going to work. But in that same instance I am horrifed. Horrified of what may or may not happen, horrified of my inability to control any of this, and horrified that I am thinking so selfishly. Can I do this? Can I take care of a baby without losing my mind? Can I or will I be good enough? Should we be doing this at all?

I have to admit in the beginning, when I found out I wasn't going to have my own children (and I don't mean when the Dr's told me) I had heard it and seen it with my own eyes some fifteen years earlier at a Christmas party. I kid you not. I wasn't very suprised... Everyone was sitting around the table after dinner, when someone decided to test out the old Father's Almanac test, to figure out what was growing inside my sisters uterus. We at the time thought it was Rosemary's Baby, but alas it turned out to be a sweet little girl they named Rachel.

There they sat proceeding to take an ordinary pencil, and suspend it from a string and sewing needle stuck into the eraser. I can't be sure if they were drinking at the time, but since it was a party, the liklihood of this being an alcohol based event was very possible. One by one each family member sat while my Uncle dangled the pencil over the unsuspecting participant's outstretched arm ( palm up- in case any of you want to try this at home)

And one by one to everyone's amazement, the pencil would start to move, in one of two directions. It either started to move in a circular motion above the wrist or sway back and forth. And for the life of me, I don't remember which one linked to what sex of the baby, (boy circle, girl back and forth?- I dunno) but for each and every person who sat with HIS or HER arm splayed about on the table, it told the true story of each and every person's family. As my sister sat, it started and stopped three times, proclaiming that she would have three girls. And over the next few years she would indeed have three beautiful girls. Coincidence?

After much prodding, I stepped up and took the hot seat. I outstretched my hand, and calmly waited for the magic to happen. A few seconds had passed, then a minute , then two. Nothing happened. The pencil didn't move. No swaying back and forth or circles for me. It stayed eerily still, and I casually dismissed the whole thing ...but I knew deep down, I would never have my own children.

I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason. Good things happen, difficult things happen. They alone don't define me. I really believe it is how we choose to deal with things that teaches us life's greatest lessons. So, when I question myself about motherhood, and will I or won't I, can I or can't I, should I or shouldn't I...within those moments of self doubt, I know that this likely will not be the most difficult thing I encounter in my lifetime and that If I relax and focus, I really CAN do anything. I have in the last 45 years been a waitress, a sign maker, an account executive, pilates teacher, bodybuilder, writer, gymnast, receptionist, trainer, and a funny person. I can find humor in most anything. (Note: All vocations listed were actual and true, although not nearly in the order as they occurred.) I was going to list the things I wanted to be, but didn't want to confuse the reader.

On Track

Well, I'm going to interrupt my original egg and surrogacy in hell story to update you on some new developments.

Our egg donor was seen today by the clinic and all is well. She will be starting her pills first, then Lupron. The surrogate, a wonderful woman who lives North of us, has been hanging out since the last (actually first and failed) attempt in March.
I so appreciate her hanging in there.

After the egg donor starts her meds, then it will be our surrogates turn, I can practically see the money flying out the window already.

What the heck is insurance for if it doesnt cover some of these alternatives! Come on people...I do want a baby, but not at the expense of being broke.

Soooo, right now are target still remains early August for a retrieval and transfer.

Maybe, just maybe, if the planets align and everyones sign is where it should be and whatever karma induced theory I can pontificate, maybe we will get lucky.

After all the people thinking good thoughts and praying last time, it certainly wouldn't be for lack of any of those things...

Could it really just be a matter of luck?

Life Goes On

In order for me to move forward and talk about the events occuring now and in the near future, it is important that I go back, and recap the past six years, and how we arrived at this point in time.

Wanting to start a family, after we married, we quickly found out that I was already in early ovarian failure, coupled with a few other infertility issues, mixed with a slow thyroid, and then an RA diagnosis on top for good measure.

To begin the quest for a child, we decided uniformly that our best chance to conceive would be with a younger and healthier person. I was 39 at the time, and suffering with the effects of Rheumatoid Arthritis.

We began our search for Surrogates and Egg Donors through the Internet. What seemed like an easy search at first, proved challenging and frustrating, Ill even go so far as heartbreaking.

We were living in NJ at the time, but looked for an agency in Florida where we would soon be
moving.

After reviewing a few websites, I had contacted a couple and spoke to them directly, but felt very comfortable with one in particular.

We decided to enter into a contract with "Surrogates are Us"- (not the agencies real name) and for our fee of five thousand dollars they would provide support and matching services to find someone to carry a child for us when the time came...

Little did we know.