Oh, my god

I can't help but think that this time it is going to work. But in that same instance I am horrifed. Horrified of what may or may not happen, horrified of my inability to control any of this, and horrified that I am thinking so selfishly. Can I do this? Can I take care of a baby without losing my mind? Can I or will I be good enough? Should we be doing this at all?

I have to admit in the beginning, when I found out I wasn't going to have my own children (and I don't mean when the Dr's told me) I had heard it and seen it with my own eyes some fifteen years earlier at a Christmas party. I kid you not. I wasn't very suprised... Everyone was sitting around the table after dinner, when someone decided to test out the old Father's Almanac test, to figure out what was growing inside my sisters uterus. We at the time thought it was Rosemary's Baby, but alas it turned out to be a sweet little girl they named Rachel.

There they sat proceeding to take an ordinary pencil, and suspend it from a string and sewing needle stuck into the eraser. I can't be sure if they were drinking at the time, but since it was a party, the liklihood of this being an alcohol based event was very possible. One by one each family member sat while my Uncle dangled the pencil over the unsuspecting participant's outstretched arm ( palm up- in case any of you want to try this at home)

And one by one to everyone's amazement, the pencil would start to move, in one of two directions. It either started to move in a circular motion above the wrist or sway back and forth. And for the life of me, I don't remember which one linked to what sex of the baby, (boy circle, girl back and forth?- I dunno) but for each and every person who sat with HIS or HER arm splayed about on the table, it told the true story of each and every person's family. As my sister sat, it started and stopped three times, proclaiming that she would have three girls. And over the next few years she would indeed have three beautiful girls. Coincidence?

After much prodding, I stepped up and took the hot seat. I outstretched my hand, and calmly waited for the magic to happen. A few seconds had passed, then a minute , then two. Nothing happened. The pencil didn't move. No swaying back and forth or circles for me. It stayed eerily still, and I casually dismissed the whole thing ...but I knew deep down, I would never have my own children.

I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason. Good things happen, difficult things happen. They alone don't define me. I really believe it is how we choose to deal with things that teaches us life's greatest lessons. So, when I question myself about motherhood, and will I or won't I, can I or can't I, should I or shouldn't I...within those moments of self doubt, I know that this likely will not be the most difficult thing I encounter in my lifetime and that If I relax and focus, I really CAN do anything. I have in the last 45 years been a waitress, a sign maker, an account executive, pilates teacher, bodybuilder, writer, gymnast, receptionist, trainer, and a funny person. I can find humor in most anything. (Note: All vocations listed were actual and true, although not nearly in the order as they occurred.) I was going to list the things I wanted to be, but didn't want to confuse the reader.