Losing something that you never had to begin with

We are mourning. The promise of a life, the promise of a future, the promise of all the good and bad, the hurdles and obstacles , the victories and defeats.. that come with a new life.

We didn't loose a life. It never had happened, but it doesn't make the loss any less devastating. To be that close....it just doesn't make sense.

We are tongue-tied and exhausted. it feels like we are sitting on the edge..just a little too close for comfort. Easily irritable, annoyed, saddened..but never once pointing the finger of blame in any one direction. It is no one's fault.

Yes we waited too long to have a baby
That much we know.
That much is clear.

But..really ..when you are in your 30's enjoying life, who's thinking about a baby?

We have lived a lot of "If Only" these last few years. My husband more so than me. Placing blame on himself, being negative...this is how he was raised.

I on the other hand choose to look at how fortunate we are. That we could even do the donation and transfer, not once but twice in the hopes of having a baby, are miraculous and a gift. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful. Grateful.
There are plenty of people who never even get to that point.

So I feel fortunate.

But for now, I'll cradle my kitten, because he will let me. I will hold him over my shoulder and pat him on the bottom, because he will let me. He follows me and sleeps on me, and thankfully I have him.

He is a baby ..not for much longer. I will baby him, until he no longer lets me.