Running away to join the circus...

Last night, we took my nieces who are visiting from California to see La Nouba, Cirque Du Soliel at Downtown Disney. Earlier in the day we had been at Epcot ( seriously there is no need to go to Epcot, ever) in the raging heat and humidity that is summer in Florida and got caught in a torrential downpour...The best part of Epcot was probably the funnel cake.

As for LaNouba this would make my fourth time, and while it is expensive (85$ a ticket and up depending on where your seats are) it is worth every penny. We sat front row, to the left of the stage, and maybe we were a little too close. But the girls enjoyed every minute.

If this show had been in production when I graduated high school, I would have definitely wanted to be a part of it. That would be my dream at 45...to be in the segment of the show that has all of the tumblers and gymnasts. Would have been right up my alley.

Now I am too old, but I can dream.

As for the baby, we have a couple of phone numbers, a couple of leads, but I am tired of trying and getting no where.

We'll see what another day brings.

As for right now, I will enjoy my nieces till Sunday which will keep my mind of babies and all that goes with it.

That which does not kill you makes you stronger..

Or at least that is how the saying goes...I'm not sure if I believe it, because right now, it feels like I am being smothered.

Test results came back negative.

To say we are surprised would be a lie. I knew that as the day wore on, like before, the chances of getting good news was slim.

It doesn't make it hurt any less. We are trying to accept what are future now holds. Trying to think of moving on. Trying not to place blame. We did all we could do.

We were hoping for a miracle.

And it wasn't meant to be

Jersey Girl

Being that I am from NJ
and now living in Florida,
I occasionally feel the pangs
of homesickness.

For familiarity, for friends and family, for the memories..you get the picture.

But no matter where I am, I will always feel home, when I hear Bruce Springsteen. His music and lyrics carried me through school & life, through trials and tribulations and moments of despair, and brought me safely to the other side. His music brings comfort like no other. "Born to Run"...being my favorite, with "Thunder Road" closing in on second...and of course "Jersey Girl"...

Occasionally while living in NJ, one could get lucky enough to see glimpses of him tooling around Monmouth County on his motorcycle, where he is literally worshipped.

Drive down to Rumson or Colts Neck and catch a glimpse of where he lives...or when he would ride through Red Bank where I had my store. I miss those days...I miss NJ ...I miss home.

The Waiting is the hardest part...

Well, no news yet.

I guess no new is good news, but at this point, I'm ready for all of this to be over. It is too hard..too emotional..too draining.

I don't even to know when to expect a call, so I don't want to leave, but at the same time, I don't really feel like sitting here all day either!

I'd hate to go out and then be in a public place when I get the call, for fear of having a breakdown in front of a massive amount of people, so I guess here is where I'll sit.

For now.

Maybe Baby?

Well, here we are one night before we will find out if or surrogate is pregnant.
I am thinking she will be going in early for her test, and hopefully we don't have to wait all day for an answer!
Fingers and toes are crossed...

41Q- Personality Test

Have you ever wondered what your "real" personality is? Take the 41Q

Personality test - get to know your personality type in 41 Questions, based on Myers-Briggs/Jung typology. If you can't make a perfect match between a question and any answer, choose the alternative that is more true than the other.

You may be surprised at the results!

http://www.41q.com

Two more days...

Heard from Lisa our surrogate, and with the exception of being tired, she is feeling good. We only have a couple more days...and then life will be a bit more concrete for us. Which way will we be going is anyones guess.
But at the very least this part of the struggle and the heartache will be over, and we are ready to move on.

Tim Alan- Make-Up Artist, Designer, Friend

Tim Alan is my good friend from New Jersey. Currently he is working with Jo Frost, of Supernanny fame, and he has just completed production on a super line of make up brushes "Chrysalis". He and I go way back, to when he originally did my make- up for my wedding, and then we met a few years later when we had little boutiques in the same small NJ town (Red Bank). He used to come over to visit me, in my pink palace and we would trade secrets, gossip, and he would always tell me when my hair looked good...
I don't see him enough....

His links
http://www.timalan.net/
http://www.beautybychrysalis.net/

Some interesting facts about Tim!
For the past 20 years, Timothy Alan has worked for some of your favorite magazines, TV shows and movies, applying make-up to the faces of celebrities ranging from Sarah Michelle Gellar to Helen Gurley Brown and from Katerina Witt to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He has also been instrumental in the creation and quality control of some of your favorite cosmetic companies, among them Face Fx Platinum, a make-up line designed to give any woman the same great looks he creates for models and actresses.

(Already, he is working on features and series and, of course, photo shoots with this unique line of beauty essentials.)
His volunteer work includes participation in the American Cancer Society's Look Good, Feel Better program, which puts him in touch with cancer patients to help them better deal with the side effects their treatment may have on their skin and hair.

He has also done work for battered women through several safe houses and is donating a portion of the proceeds from his first book, Two-Faced: Confessions of a Soap Opera Make-Up Artist (in stores in October) to Gilda's Club of New York.

Love this Life

This is a brand I love. I used to carry them in a small boutique I had in NJ and have never lost my affinity for the message and the t shirts.

"The Manifesto"

LovethisLife...
is about celebrating the moment
and that we're not guaranteed or owed another day
and how cool it is that what we hide
can actually be the fuel towards our glory
and that it's not so bad being proven wrong

LovethisLife...
is about welcoming the blind turn
and the possibility that
there's no such thing as coincidence
and that empathy is incredibly sexy
and that it's never too late to
pick up a guitar or a paintbrush
or to make an amend or to make a new friend

LovethisLife...
could be about rekindling a past flame
or igniting a new one
or shapeshifting from a dreamer into a doer
or savouring the caress of a love long gone

LovethisLife...
means whatever it is you want it to mean because

LovethisLife...
is a celebration of you and your path

LovethisLife...
'cuz it could go at any second

you rock.



lovethislife manifesto
copyright 2002, david culiner

Water is Precious

Water is Precious

More than 1 in 6 people in the world have no access to safe drinking water.

1 out of every 4 deaths under the age of 5 worldwide is due to a water-related disease.

In developing countries, about 80% of illnesses are linked to poor water and sanitation conditions.

Over one-third of the world's population has no access to sanitation facilities.

Log onto www.thewaterproject.com to learn how we can make a difference...

Big Daddy's- Come and get your grill on!

Big Daddy's is opening soon, right here in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. The opening date has been moved a few times...right now it looks like mid August.. .

This is my husbands project, and a big one at that! He got frustrated that every time he went for lunch, he was met with dismal attempts at chicken and a healthier way of eating. So, he decided to open his own place. I came up with the name and vision for the logo, and the rest he has been diligently putting together piece by piece.
Don't get me wrong, Big Daddy's will also have home style foods to nurture the soul, creamy and fresh mac and cheese, homemade salads, rotisserie chicken and killer chocolate chip cookies and crumb cake. But if you want to watch your middle...they can do that too! All affordable meals in these tight recession times..Plus kids under five eat free!

Stop by!

Donald Ross Village, Palm Beach Gardens, Fl

Florida- Lightning Capital of the World!

I don't like storms. Not even a little. Of course moving to Florida, and living here presents a tiny problem. They happen frequently, and sometimes are severe. Throw in the possibility of a tornado, and you will find me in the pantry all the way to the back, hiding. The pantry is a closet that runs under our staircase, the only refuge I would have here in sticky, wet Florida since basments are null and void.

Storms have always been a fear of mine, since the summer I spent in Tenneesee with my Aunt & Uncle while he was serving in the Navy. They had tornado warnings almost every afternoon, and I would sit by the window looking for that funnel cloud. I haven't changed that much. When a storm is coming, I still look for the funnel cloud.

Yesterday while leaving Sal's for lunch , my husband and a friend and I were starting to walk through a torrential rainstorm to the car, When all of a sudden a huge bolt of lightning crossed right in front of my husband. The clap of thunder that follwed was louder than I had ever heard. EVER! Matter of fact my ears still hurt. It was the scariest moment, and the look on my husband's face said it all. Holy Shit!

Christian the Lion

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adYbFQFXG0U

Watch the video as he reunites with his "old family" Amazing!

Coffee Talk

Coffee

I love coffee. My husband laughs at me... In the morning I have a cup, which he defers to as my "bowl of coffee". It is a small bowl, but I like the thing and am stickin' with it. As for brand, I like WaWa. They are a company out of Pennsylvania ( I think) and they have convenience stores throughout the Northeast. being that we are now in Florida, we can't readily get it here, so I go onto WaWa's website and have it shipped. Viola! It's that easy.

Just heard from our surrogate. She says she is feeling good, and we are all collectively holding our breath. Her children (Josh and Katie) have been talking to her belly and sending it good thoughts in the hopes that there is a baby in there!

Too cute.

I am glad she is feeling good, and we are now only six days away...stay tuned.

Here is another Tippi Pic

I read she was born in Namibia in 1990 to flimmaker parents.

Tennis Anyone?

Ok, I don't love tennis, but my husband does...and he spends an awful lot of time out there, getting better.

I do believe he had the talent to be a pro, a fact that still disturbs him today. He quit after a few years after showing promise, and then didn't pick it back up seriously for more than twenty years...and NOW he can play with the pros here and hold his own...He loves the game, loves the challenge and has made some great friends on the court, who have turned into great friends off the court as well.

One week and Counting Down

This time next week, we will have news....We are holding our breath...



But life does go on, so while we wait, we kept busy. We went to see the new Batman movie, which to be honest I haven't seen a batman movie since George Clooney was in it, even though I love Christian Bale. Heath Ledger stole the show... The movie was good...creepy..with tons of violence...and what was even creepier was how many parents were there with kids under 5...WTF? Did they not read the reviews? File that under, "How come so many people can procreate?- Who shouldn't!"

Brave Tippi

Saw this and had to post it!

The Things People Say...

You know..as long as I am still living and breathing I will never understand some people. I have tried, honestly I have..but some people are freakin' idiots.

I have heard countless wonderful and supportive words from many...and they have helped to ease our burden..and uncertainty as we plow through these longs days of waiting.

But...on the other had, I have also heard these comments, all true and in no particular order:

1. Why would you want kids at your age?

2. You can have mine, I cant stand them and wish I never had them (true!)

3. You're wasting your time

4. When this doesn't work out, you'll be thankful

5. Why would you spend all that money on that?


So that is just some of what I have heard...
I don't understand why people continually try and besiege me with their wisdom...

If this happens: I know this will be life changing. I know this will be difficult. But I am ready. For all of you out there, who have had no trouble whatsoever getting pregnant and having children, hell maybe they were even an "accident" don't assume to know what I am going through. Stop complaining about your life and deal with it. Kids are a blessing. Maybe you forgot.

Here we Sit

Well our surrogage is on her third day of bedrest and I did send her something to pass the time!
She should get them today.
Wicked Whoopie Pies..they are yummy...Check them out at:

http://www.wickedwhoopie.com/

Otherwise, I am doing my best to keep busy doing a myriad of other things, but invariably my thoughts retreat back to transfer day, and if any of the little guys have attatched at this point. By day three after the transfer, the embryologist had said that they would attatch to the unterine lining.

I wish there was some way of knowing.

My husband (otherwise known as Mr. Negativity) is convinced it will not happen, and it doesn't matter...I have enough positive vibes for the both if us.

Favorite Artist

Gustav Klimt is by far my favorite artist. With "The Kiss" ranking #1 shown here, I also love the "Three stages of Women"
Gustav Klimt, (July 14, 1862 – February 6, 1918) born near Vienna, is considered one of the major representatives of the art nouveau. In his drawings, painting and frescoes, he dispenses with spatial effects emphasizing ornamental and decorative elements, often supported by mosaic-type use of gold and silver coating. The celebration of beauty, and especially of female beauty, was the focus of his work. . His most well-known work is "The Kiss"

Uh- Oh...

Just got a call from the embryologist. Unfortunately none of the remaining embryos that we had growing made it out of the morealis stage so nothing was left over to freeze.

My husband thinks this is a conspiracy...but I believe, we picked the best and strongest embryos, and the rest were not to be. It is sad, given this is our last chance and we have nothing left over if we were to try and fourth attempt. We seem to be mimicking past cycles.

I hope the outcome turns out differently.

Mission Accomplished

I left the house, early this morning, to make my way up to Orlando for the transfer. It was humid, and my windows kept fogging, but I eventually settled into my 2.5 hour drive and listened to an audio book, "My Sister Madonna", by Christopher Ciccone. It kept my interest and with the exception of a few tell tale tidbits I didn't hear anything that would make Madonna mad...her brother was praiseworthy, even if she is an ego maniacal control freak.

I thank god every day that I am not "Type A" with the fervent desire to control each and everything at arms length. It really must be exhausting. My attitude at this point is, I do what I can, and if I cant get to it, I'll get to it tomorrow.

As I get older, I find that I am more relaxed in my approach, to just about everything. Hopefully, it works to my advantage at some point.

I arrived in Orlando at 7am, and made my way into the clinic with Dunkin Munchkins for all...(cept me!)

Our surrogate was already in the back, a little loopy and ready to go. We had some conversation with the docs, signed some paperwork, and I donned my cute paper coveralls and hairnet and cloth booties to allow entry into the transfer room.

As we wheeled back together I held her hand, and she held mine, and I felt an obvious and overwhelming connection with her.

They readied her and I continued holding her hand...and as I watched the screen on the ultrasound machine, I believed I was watching a miracle.

"All we need is one", and they have implanted two.

There was some serious discussion prior as we originally wanted three embryos, to have our best chance, but the Dr. deferred and said he was not comfortable. After some heated exchanges, we relented and chose two of the best looking embryos, to be transferred.

After the procedure, we wheeled her out, and I sat with her some more. We waited and talked and marveled about what science can do.

We were passing good feelings, karma and whatever other positive forces we had between us back and forth, and she looked me square in the eye, and said, "This time it's different...You're here."

It was the least I could do, and yet the two prior transfers I had let her go it alone. I apologized to her, and she was sweet. " But your here now, and that makes the difference", she said.

We sat in silence for a moment or two while we held hands, and breaking the silence, I told her "I just want to thank you for all you have done for us"...she smiled and said " I told you in the beginning, I would see you through to the end".

She is on bed rest for the next few days, and I will send her something. To let her know she is in our thoughts.

I told her to relax and not to worry...that it is our of our hands, and what will be, will be.

Wish us luck.

Time is on our side

Upon reviewing the last years posts during this phase of retrieval/transfer we seem to be ahead of the game...
We still have eight embryos, and they all look promising.
Tomorrow is a day when we will most likely not have much contact with the clinic as they ready the surrogate for our transfer early on Tuesday morning.

As a show of solidarity I will take the ride to Orlando early that morning to be with her....it is the very least I can do at this point.

This is what we will need for our embryos to transfer well...a blastocyst...
which is the best we can hope for.

They will most likely put in one more embryo, making the total three...given that this will be our last and final attempt.

Do we still own Cuba?

This was a question I heard today, while the nice bag boy was bagging my groceries.
Then he told me "I think they found George Washington's House"...at the same time, the boy checking me out (no not physically, but my groceries) was asking me if the U.S. Virgin Islands was in the Bahamas...

If this is our future...God Help Us.....

Plus here down South they always want to help you out with the groceries which is nice, if I were 80 or had children (but I don't). While it is nice, if you are not helping the men, then leave me alone already!

It is so annoying, in the most completely southern, nice way. Why can't they be rude like in Jersey?

Day Three and Counting Down!

Well, today marks Day three of our embryo retrieval. Our little guys are hanging in there with a few splitting to eight cells and a few at six cells.

They look strong, the embryologist said, so we remain hopeful.

Here is a gander of what these little guys look like

Day Two

Just got a call from the clinic...

All eight embryos are looking good! They are hanging in there growing, slow but steady wins the race!
We will get THE call tomorrow, as to how many look good, the transfer Tuesday morning, and the rest of the juicy details.
It is exciting.
And scary.

All at once.

Fostering Girl's & Young Women...

Check out Dove's website

"The Dove self esteem Fund" at

www.dove.com

There are many different ways to help someone see their beauty...There are all different shapes and sizes of woman and that we ALL are beautiful in our own unique way! Stop conforming to society and be proud you are different and not like everyone else!

Thank god for differences! Who would want to look at a population that looks all the same? Not me....

Get involved. With your own children or mentor someone else's! Let's spread the word that beauty isn't just skin deep!

Day One Fertilization Pictures

Day One and Counting

Here is a picture of what our little embryos look like right now.

Mixing a baby cocktail

Today was retrieval day, and our egg donor produced 16 follicles.

We will most likely get a call from the clinic over the weekend, and they will tell us if and how the embryos are progressing.

On day five, which is Tuesday, they have earmarked that day as " transfer day". We should know at that point, which embryos are the strongest, and most viable.

We hope there are some strong contenders this time around. I have a good feeling, but I am trying not to get excited..yet.

Stay tuned...

Six Day's and Counting

Saw a great site the other day http://www.beadforlife.org/- See pic to the left..

It is an organization selling beaded handmade jewelry from women from Uganda...beautiful and colorful bracelets and necklaces, easy to order and not expensive! Shop for a good cause!

On another note:

I'm on my carb watching plan, and it is now day six. I have of course added in one cheat day a week ( which was yesterday) and was not used wisely I might add.

After cooking all day Saturday for a get together, I was repulsed by all food, by the time the shin dig started.

What I really wanted earlier that day was MCDONALD'S. Hail to McDonalds. Did I have it?
Nope.

My husband convinced me that Italian would be better.

I don't understand the logic, but I deferred, and had Italian ( slice of pizza, plain!) and a few bitefuls of pasta.

It was not the same.

Not nearly the same as a Happy Meal with a cheeseburger and small french fry.

(That is my usual order)

The burger cooked to perfection with cheese, all melty and warm, fattening and addicting, I know...

And the fries!

I usually eat my fries first. It is a small package, and hell by the time I'm into it , they are gone, but it does give me a taste. I don't have to be a glutton.
Would I like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese? You betcha. Throw in a large fry and I'm happy as a clam. Sometimes I don't even feel bad after eating McDonald's!

Sometimes I do...but honestly?

Not that much.

On another note....

Roger Federer, the gig is up.
Right now Nadal is kicking your ass, and I am loving it.

And I hate tennis, by the way. So, I really do not care who wins or loses Wimbledon, however my husband is a fanatic, thus I have been relegated to watching these matches ad nauseam, and it is just killing me.

Please no more tennis!