It seems...

Like everyone is having a baby, getting pregnant, or I am literally running into pregnant people in the mall.

I feel a lot of things well up in me, mostly envy...with a sprinkle of saddness and a dash of regret.

I will have my family one way or another...and I know patience is a virtue. I have a lot of patience.

I confessed a scary thought to my husband the other day..I said I had a flash forward...of when we finally get a baby. The baby will be in a carraige, and I will be in a wheel chair and you will be on a jazzy scooter behind me pushing all of us through the mall.

Not funny, but very possible.

Paperwork and More Paperwork

Today was a hard day.
I don't know why.
Perhaps it is because my husband continues to focus on the negative and that is bothersome. My attiitude, "What is done is done". Period. I don't like focusing on the negative, and the bad energy that goes along with that.

So we are looking for a new egg donor, and today mailed out the first (in what will be many) files of paperwork for adoption.

I am ready. My husband not so much.

Hopefully he warms to the idea.

At least I know now that at the end of this, we WILL get a baby.

On the other hand

I know some people are feeling just as bad as we are. After all they have been along for the baby ride right a long with us.

Some have said heartfelt apologies, tearful "I'm sorrys", and in general have been just a huge comfort to my husband and myself. Thank god.
Of course there are one or two idiot's out here roaming around, who have given advice such as " When god wants you to have a baby, that is when you will get one". WTF???

OK, so the little girl who had a baby and killed it two days ago, because she got pregnant by accident and didn't know it (yeah right) and then wrapped the baby in plastic and killed it, She deserved a baby , and I don't? What kind of moron says that kind of thing?

I have an idea. If you don't know what the hell you are talking about, you god-squad holy roller, keep your damn mouth shut!

I'm done.

Losing something that you never had to begin with

We are mourning. The promise of a life, the promise of a future, the promise of all the good and bad, the hurdles and obstacles , the victories and defeats.. that come with a new life.

We didn't loose a life. It never had happened, but it doesn't make the loss any less devastating. To be that close....it just doesn't make sense.

We are tongue-tied and exhausted. it feels like we are sitting on the edge..just a little too close for comfort. Easily irritable, annoyed, saddened..but never once pointing the finger of blame in any one direction. It is no one's fault.

Yes we waited too long to have a baby
That much we know.
That much is clear.

But..really ..when you are in your 30's enjoying life, who's thinking about a baby?

We have lived a lot of "If Only" these last few years. My husband more so than me. Placing blame on himself, being negative...this is how he was raised.

I on the other hand choose to look at how fortunate we are. That we could even do the donation and transfer, not once but twice in the hopes of having a baby, are miraculous and a gift. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful. Grateful.
There are plenty of people who never even get to that point.

So I feel fortunate.

But for now, I'll cradle my kitten, because he will let me. I will hold him over my shoulder and pat him on the bottom, because he will let me. He follows me and sleeps on me, and thankfully I have him.

He is a baby ..not for much longer. I will baby him, until he no longer lets me.

Negative

Well, we sit here reeling after dissapointing news. No pregnancy, thus forcing us to look at our options and make some difficult decisions.

We shouldn't be shocked. But we are. I for one, was so postive through the whole process, that I was contemplating how this baby would alter my (our lives). I was ready, we were ready. But apparantly baby was not to be.

Moving on, we are looking ahead. Already searching for new egg donors. Perhaps we just haven't found the "right" one. Along with that, we will look at adoption.

Sometimes, life tells you where you need to go and in what direction.

I think we are on the right path.

Time is of the essence...

Well, it is Sunday the night before we are due to get a call, which will alter our lives no matter what the outcome. On the one side, a positive blood test for pregnancy would mean our lazy days are over! On the flip side, a negative, could mean starting over, adopting or quitting all together.

Everyone we know is collectively holding their breath ..as are we.

Even a margarita didn't quell my nerves...It is so many things, so many feelings overflowing at once. A jumble of knots in the pit of my stomach leaves me feeling like I am being squeezed from the inside out, making it difficult to breath.

Hold your breath...

Ready or not...

Birthday

Happy Birthday to me.
45 today ...where did the time go?

I don't feel 45...although some days I'm looking it.

Here's to 46 with a baby on the way!

Five more days till we findout, if our little science project worked...

Slow Pokes Bailed

UPDATE:

The two remaing embryo's that we had, hanging out in the petrie dish, have NOT grown any further thus rendering them not viable for freezing.
MEANING:

If our transfer doesn't work, we are back to Square One just like last time. With none left over for freezing, we would have to aquire another egg donor, pay the agency another fee, and pay thousands more for testing etc...

Talk about ironic...

I wish we didn't have to wait to know...

Well here we are. Still waiting.
Our surrogate was on bed rest for most of the weekend, and now it is just some more waiting.
She will go for bloodwork next Monday at which point we should know a few hours afterwards what the results are.
Now I know what the Oscar nominees feel...you are all tingly and nervous, maybe even sick to your stomach before getting the results. Either way it will be a rough day.

I am hoping to be off that afternoon so I can wait by the phone.

I hope for her (surrogate's)sake as well as ours that we ARE pregnant. She has committed so much to this process, it almost seems unfair if it doesn't happen. She deserves to get paid, a thankless job really, so I am hoping with every ounce of hope I have in me..that is will be positive.

If not, I'm just not sure where we are headed....

Stay tuned....

Random Thought

Thought of the day:

"This is so much cheaper than therapy"......

Where Oh Where Was I?

Back to the Agency and all those involved in the "Baby Charade"

I believe for the most part, most people are good. Underline MOST . Some are not, and I believe on our baby quest, we met a whole lot of not so nice people along the way.

Some parasites, umm I mean people, prey on those who are desperate. They feed off the longing and desires of others, and suck you dry until you literally have nothing left.

Our original agency paired us with one Jerry Springer reject after another. By the last one, I was just hoping she had teeth.

The one "normal" one, actually was nice. She had a job in a law firm and it looked very promising. Until our agency failed to call her when she requested and she wound up leaving our agency for another and went with another couple entirely.

"The agency" who should have been at the very least having recent tests done on these women, had US pay for testing, and two of them wound up being unacceptable into the surrogate program.

See this is the thing. If I am paying you five thousand dollars to broker the deal with what could be essentially watermelons, but it is actually the renting of a uterus or the housing of human life, then why aren't you providing to me, acceptable women, with clean bills of health ready to go onto the next phase? Why?

We payed for meals travel, and Dr's visits all for women who were useless to us.
Hello! Do I look like I have unlimited funds? Yes my highlights are expensive, but it doesn't mean I wanna go throwing my retirement money out the window!

Also at every stop, first this Dr was the one to go to, the one getting everyone pregnant, then it was someone else. All of whom wanted to see my whoo -ha. Now, I'm not the freaking patient! Explain that! If I had a reason to show someone my bits, I would , but the Dr saying he could cure me of whatever my problem was, Sorry, Not happening! (Plus my problem was not who-ha related).

*(Definition:Who- Ha, Bits- Nether region, V for victory, I think you get my meaning)

Needless to say, why is it needless to say? I do need to say it...
Be careful with agencies! Get referrals. Talk to those they have gotten pregnant, and by all means do not pay for anything, NOTHING until you have that person under a signed and legal contract.

I'm off my soapbox now.....

I hear cats fighting outside. Till tomorrow.

Transfer Complete!

Well, today was the big day.
At 7 AM the Doc called to let us know how are eggsicles were doing. Apparently, two went to the "blast" stage, ( there they go with that medical terminology again!) and two others are lagging behind a bit.
The two that are lagging, got left behind so to speak and the other two got implanted into our surrogate without any issues or problems.

I am hoping she is kicking up her feet and getting the necessary bed rest this weekend. I am guessing she will be up and around Sunday or Monday/ So now we just really wait/ This is the hardest part.

Our two slow pokes , if they don't catch up by tomorrow, will not be considered for freezing, which is not good, but at the very least we had a few to implant so we are happy!

More about the eggs on the short bus tomorrow.

Ummmmmmm

Is anyone else out there addicted to TMZ.com?
It is so funny...I crack up reading it...
Check it out...

Hanging On

Well we got little information on the eggs today, as the do not look at them on day 4. I have no idea why. I hope they don't feel neglected...

So tomorrow Sept 13 is the BIG day. The transfer will occur at 7:15 am and we should be hearing from their office around 7..to let us know how things look.

This go round is happening a lot easier than the last time. We have one major contact person, and the others in the office seem to know about us too which is comforting since we have been involved with the clinic for about a year now.

We should have news regarding a baby by the 26th......

Until then...

Eggggsellent!

Well, after much debate on what was transpiring and when, we got the call this morning, that seven of the nine eggs that remain are "optimum". ( I hope they decide to hang in there, tomorrow morning should be key...)

Our transfer to our surrogate Lisa will take place on Thursday morning, after which she will drive home and promptly retire to bed.
Not an easy thing to do when you have two children of your own!So I am sending out lots of love and good wishes to her and her family for being so patient.

I am pretty sure the Doc said we should have news by month's end, so ...we wait.

We are keeping all available fingers and toes crossed.

*On another note:
My good friend S****** and her husband have gotten their referral finally to go to Viet Nam, to get their baby that awaits them there. They have named her Mattine. She will be a very fortunate girl to be placed with such loving, and caring people. God Bless.

Sept. 11, 2001- WE WILL NOT FORGET

I have my flag out front, and my yellow ribbon tied...
How about you??????
Remember those who perished, remember those who are serving our country.

Just Wonderin'

*Is it really bad to consume a whole jar of dill pickles? Anyone? Anyone?

* What kind of idiot EXERCISES in nearly 100 degree HUMID weather In Florida, mid afternoon no less, wearing leggings and a turtleneck?
(Answer: The idiot who lives down the block from me who I see every freakin day, with her rail thin scarecrow companion. )
(Advice- Eat a cheeseburger, take off some of those layers, and relax for Christ's sake.) I dry heave everytime I see them.

*What kind of drivers does Florida have? With the exception of myself and maybe my husband and a few close friends I WILL get into a car with, NOT MANY!
Thoughts to self:
Im not even convinced they make you take a driving test, a literal driving exam that proves you can drive. I wanna see one. Check on licensing requirements for average joe.

*What kind of idiot walks a big fluffy dog with hair down the to the ground at 12 noon every freakin day, dragging the poor thing along, with its tongue hanging out, nearly ready to die, owner oblivious to the heat stroke the dog is incurring?
*Answer - Bigger idiot that lives down the street from the spandex wearing turtleneck fetish runner.

Watch for more "What kind of idiot" coming soon"

Gets this party started!

Ok, so we get up at the ungodly hour of 4 am, to be ready to leave at 5 am to make it all the way up to Orlando, Land of Disney and eggs, for our egg retrieval from our egg donor.

We arrive on time, early even, where we proceed to a Dunkin' Donuts (my fav) and I approach the counter and order munchkins for the Doc's office and a coffee (med , extra light with milk- no cream!) and a choco milk for my "producer" husband.

The counter attendant, a little guy, very cute, floats up to the counter, gushing "I jusssst luvvvvv your hair!" It makes me smile . We pay for our treats and make our way to the Doc's where there is work to be done.

After being told my husband was in the room "producing" ,and whipping out plastic to pay our gargantuan bill, for our egg donor retrieval and our surrogates own journey a few days from today and apart from my husband, we were in and out within fifteen minutes. Dare I say that they could have provided cocktails and dinner? I felt so unsatisfied....

Well, all is said and done.
They have retrieved 18 eggs.

I had a chat with my husbands spem on the way to Orlando telling all slackers that they should bow out of this one, and give the job to the guys who really want it.
I am hoping they were listening. I know it can get hot down there, and especially after my husbands full contact tennis lesson (another story for another day)the other day. I am suprised any of his Guys showed up to bat at all. It was a miracle.

Our surrogate will have a party of one on Tuesday or Thursday, and we should hear from Superdave at the clinic tomorrow telling us which eggs look like the stronger, and fittest eggs. All I kept thinking this whole time is "Gee I hope they like the sperm". If they dont get a long this will just suck. Big time.

On another note:

I did buy make believe Sour Patch Kids, from the candy store at the mall today. A poor substitution for my Snak Club "Sour Gummy Bears". A road trip to the West Palm Airport, is looking like the only way I will get my fix. Hey maybe I can do some Christmas shopping while I am there?

Overheard

At a bar the other day:

"These are my bitches and whores", said the drunk girl slung over the bar introducing her "posse" to other patrons, and she struggled to get her head off her plate of seafood.

The bartender responded" Do you want me to wrap that up, so maybe when you come out of your coma in two or three days you'll have something to eat?"

Sad, but funny.

I'l be Brief, I Swear

Also...
While traveling the past week, I have developed a slight addiction to something my husband is calling "Sour Patch Dolls". When I ask if he means Sour Patch Kids, he just stares "You know what I mean!"

He hates it when I indulge in my sugar habit, which I know to be annoying and compulsive, but sometimes a girl cant help it. Its not like I am *"Snikity Snacking" all the time"

(*Snickity Snacking a term my husband coined when he thought I was lounging during the day, snacking my way through the house in the afternoon, thus not being hungry at dinner.)

So my addiction to Sour Gummy Bears by a company called Snak Club (Just a coincidence on the Snak, and MY Snickity Snack) raging and now I will either have to drive to Ft Lauderdale airport ( because that is where I bought them in the first place) (Maybe they have them in West Palm!) or go on line and try to order them and have them discreetly shipped.

Second, but no less important:

My love for shoes has reached a new high ..literally.
Bought these lovely little gems at Nordstroms Shoe dept ( like heaven for women, and maybe sex too)

They are sparkly silver, kind of weathered. HIGH HIGH heels. Completely tacky, Whoorish even...hookerish, whatever adjective you can dream up will fit these little cougar shoes of mine. I dont know when I will wear them or even with what, but they will get worn!

Im thinking of my birthday bash next weekend, that I'm giving myself. Going to dinner with a few friends and husband of course to a new place, 3 Forks..and I'm more than excited. Now that I have a cool pair of shoes, I'm good to go.

I'm getting up early to go torture myself at Spinning. Signing off for now.

Briefly....Ok maybe not so brief

News on baby front ....

We are scheduled to do a retrieval on Saturday or Sunday of this week. Yikes.

The transfer to our surrogate is going to occur three to five days later. Apparantly Amy in the clinic is under the impression that I know waht follicles are, or that I might have been a Nurse Practictioner in a past life, the way she rolls off the medical terminology.

Ummm.... can you just tell me when we have to be there? I don't really need to know all the details..

So maybe baby we have some news by the months end.

On a lighter note, I have come to the realization that I do not want to travel on an all male vacation anymore. The past two I have taken, my husband who is my best friend, has kindly asked many member of the Lost Boys club to join us on our jaunts to sunny St Thomas.

All I have to say is "What the Fu**!"

Over Christmas I got to see all these middle age (thus the lost boys) men walking around in their underpants. From bikini bottoms to baggy boxers, it was all there. And it wasnt pretty.I rebelled, and we agreed it wouldn't happen again.

Not so. I was among four other men besides my husband, one who stayed with us, and three others that stayed in a condo nearby.
Wasn't as bad a Christmas but it ranks pretty high just the same.