Mutiny and the Flea Assination

After spending hours containing all animals into a safe place in order to bomb the house with flea killer, I'm exhausted. It literally takes at least two hours each time, and well, not that I would, but I feel like dropping all animals off at Safe Harbor. The two oldest cats we have, were feral, and never quite lost that outdoorsy mentality. So today while cornered, I hat cats clawing and spitting at me, clearly very agitated. What to do? God help me if I have to do this again. We need to be out of the house for a few hours, and then we can go back to the hellish spot. I'm sure I will be cleaning all evening.


As for the baby thingy we have not heard from our attorney, and I am not surprised. ( Gosh when they want money they are relentless, when they have made two bad matches ...I hear nothing)

So we are looking for a traditional surrogate. Perhaps we can find a nice person who will want nothing more than to help, given that our ability to compensate is dwindling. We are on our last leg of this long journey. Adoption I guess is over with...and I'm terribly disappointed that it didn't work out for us. The stress and strain this puts on any family, any relationship, it is a wonder that any can survive the relentless sadness. I did call the newspaper the other day, and told my story to an editor and I am hoping they deem it worthy of print. We will see.

In the meantime, I am focused again on cake, and fleas.

Takes the Cake!

A week or so ago, we got a call from the PB Post, saying they were reviewing Big Daddy's. It isn't our first review. We have had a few, luckily all of them good. But as I tell my husband, one eatery cannot be all things to all people. We do our very best to be friendly, attentive and to put out good food. Nothing more, nothing less.

The restaurant reviewer called to say he was giving us another good review, and could they come by and get some photos. Last Friday I posed for photos feeling a little ridiculous, but getting them done, feeling a bit exhausted afterwards. All that smiling, and I have a full belly. I wondered to myself how some of the stick thin models make it through a day of posing with nothing more than a cup of coffee and cigarettes, to keep them going.

I was told the article would run in a week or so on Friday. Wednesday morning as I reluctantly prepared for my friend's brother's funeral, I got a call from our chef saying someone was at the restaurant, with my picture and a picture of the cake.

It didn't dawn on me that they had run the article early, and it was mostly about the cake! So, scraping together cake I had ready to go,  it sold out within the hour. We sold out twice more that day.

I rushed back after the funeral to prepare more, and made the last one of the day. People were lining up for it. Keep in mind that this is a day and a half process!

I am appreciative of all the notoriety, and the attention it has brought the restaurant.

Here's hoping people come back for more.

Life is a highway...1st Babymama + 2nd Babymama + 3rd Babymama= No babies for us!

As I was driving to the get together after the funeral I got a call from my lawyer. A little irate that I had not returned her two call s from the day before.

Excuse me, I was attending to a heartbroken friend and a burgeoning business.

Her news- Babymama #3 had changed her mind. I laughed out loud. And immediately thought how great it felt that I had not given the girl the expense money of $950.00. This time I told the lawyer "No".

I explained, that since I am trying to recoup funds from the previous agency, (which said they would send me $1000 every few weeks), I thought great, I don't have to put any money out of pocket!

This time, the lawyer put the money out. The lawyer bought her a cell phone.

When she called to tell me they had changed their mind, I said"How does it feel to know your not getting that back?"

I think our relationship is strained at this point, with them offering now to find us a Safe Harbor Baby, one that someone drops off at a local hospital. I guess she forgot we paid her to match us, so as far as I'm concerned they can give us our money back, or continue to look for a baby.

After contacting the social worker, she told me that the birth father's mother called wanting to know what was a dissolution of his rights was. I had asked for a sign of good faith, so that I would feel more comfortable dispensing money. Initally last week he said he would sign it, no questions. Then they asked can the birth mother stil change her mind ? They were informed that in the state of Florida the birthmother has 24-48 hours after the birth to change her mind. Then they asked if he signs this paperwork, can they still get the expense money????

Another sham.

Tomorrow I am calling our local newspaper.

I'm done being screwed with.

Death & Dying

Today as I was driving along 95 South, in sunny Florida, I was deep in thought. No radio, just me. There weren't too many cars on the road, which makes me happy, given at anytime you venture on 95 you literally take your life in your hands each and every time. Undocumented drivers, lousy drivers, blind drivers ( now I know they aren't really blind but they appear to be given the near mishaps I have had, staying in my own lane!)

I was pondering death since I had just been to what had to have been the saddest funeral service I have been to. And I haven't been too many. Each that I have been to, I remember definitively. What I wore, what was said, what the occurrence was.

So after seeing this service, I decided that should I die, be right here in print for people these are my last and final requests.

1. No crying. I don't care how sad the circumstance. When one person cries it makes everyone else cry and really life is too short to cry, dammit!
( I understand there will be sadness, but go for a run or something, I swear you will feel better!)
2. No sad music. I would like the following music played: The Partridge Family. And some disco, & music from the 70's. That music always makes me happy. I do love the Carpenters but again, too sad!
3. Dress, in something comfortable. Id love everyone to show up in gym clothes. For god's sake it is a crappy day, why make it worse by wearing pants you only wear for funerals?
4. Serve some snacks and have a slide show. Kind of like the drive in, but not.
5. People could recount stories, memories..that would be nice.
6. Since I' m not very religious, I really don't want too much, if any thrown in there. Sorry, I don't relate. I don't want scripture quoted. I don't want verses read. Maybe some inspirational quotes. They would be nice.
7. I'd like to have it at the beach. Given I'd be cremated it should be easy to carry me there.
8. I'll leave it to those left behind to figure out what to do with the ashes.

Haven't I planned enough?

The Flea Patrol

I am on a hell raising trip, through my own house. Fleas are on the loose, and Ii is causing me to slowly loose my mind.

To try and pinpoint when this historic even took place, I would have to go back a month or so to December 31st and New Years Eve. Baxter went to the kennel like any other trip. He enjoyed his time there, although the way he eats and drinks when he arrives back would leave me to believe he is a bit sullen with a poor appetite while he is there but when I ask they smile and say "Oh he was great!" "He ate everything!" Somehow I know this not to be true.

He is not a dog like others. He doesn't like peanut butter, he doesn't like rawhide, he won't eat Pigs ears, or any other dog type treat. He doesn't even eat cat poop, which my other dogs used to find to be a delicacy.

He will only eat for me. He is so my dog, that before I leave for the day, he sticks his nose in the crook of my next and inhales so deeply I think he is taking some skin with him. He exhales slowly and his eyes close. He is can relax after smelling me.

But he has never had fleas. Not one. Until this trip. Of course being saturated with work at every corner of my life, I am slow to notice. A few weeks go by, and I see everyone scratching. Cats and dog alike.

Still, I don't make the connection. (I'll admit I can be a little slow at times- took me till the fifth grade to learn to tell time!) Don't laugh, numbers are just not my thing.

So imagine my surprise when I get ambitious after work last week and bathe the dog.
What I found was a small city of fleas to rival India living on his underbelly. Upon further investigation, I realized that all four cats have them as well, little mini cities living on them, like parasitic freeloaders.

After the initial shock, I went to investigate. On the computer, I read a lot about fleas. And I realized whatever free time I had left, was now gone.

I cleaned vigorously. Everything from couched to baseboards to the animals themselves. And still they are here.

Next step is a nuclear assault on the suckers (literally!) without killing aforementioned pets. I have my spray. I have Frontline that my vet wanted to charge me almost $100 for each pet. May you die, you money grubbing bastard. I have another little pill that kills fleas on contact, and I have the ultimate weapon a new vacuum.

You would have thought I just got a Gucci purse. That is how happy I am with the vacuum. And it's not even a Dyson. Will not pay $500 for household tool no matter how many people tell me its great, unless it could cook and clean and I could get some other satisfaction from it.

D Day is just around the corner.

Life is Short...

Things happen life,that sometimes we will never understand. Like death. We all know it's coming, but most of us, put that thought away in a little place, not easily accessed. Most of us, don't think too much about it, until it lays itself on our doorstep, waiting to come in.

I have been lucky in my life. In that I have not had to deal with tragedies that befall so many people, that you see everyday on the news. People missing, people abducted, people killed, either by accident or not. I am lucky. No one close to me, has ever had anything bad happen to them. We have been for the most part (with the exception of the loss of my grandmother more than 20 years ago) and uneventful family, and yes I am knocking wood as I write this.

My friend, my very first friend in Florida has not had the same luck. She is a petite woman with long blonde hair, and an infectious laugh and smile. When I met her, I knew she was in a unhappy marriage, and she stayed as long as she could finally divorcing about two years ago. While she left with her two kids, she remains comfortable, and that is rare these days considering divorce. But money doesn't make everything ok. Hard times were always close, keeping her company, and her family difficulties were many. She has a great big southern family, and they are very tight.

After her father took his life last year, I was not sure that anything worse could happen.

I was wrong.

Her brother was murdered on Saturday evening, a part of a wild rampage that a very sick woman went on, brutalizing and killing her own grandmother, and then killing Willie.

He has been to my restaurant. He was a fun loving guy, who loved to bet on football, and fish on my husband's boat, any boat for that matter. He would have never hurt a flea. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes, life turns out differently than what we thought, or planned or wanted.

If you get to live every day without personal tragedy, count yourself lucky. Life is short. Make sure you tell those who matter, that you love them. Everyday. You never know when they might not make it back.

Revolutionary Road

Yesterday, I sat down and wrote what I believe to be one of many letters to the head of Legislature here in good ole' Florida, regarding adoption.

I asked that the Head Of Legislature assign someone, to review the law as it stands today regarding adoption and what is deemed necessary as far as birth mother expenses go. I asked them to review and reconsider the laws already in place. In light of the economy, and after having been told that the number of failed placements has risen, leading one to believe that people are signing on for a free ride with no intention of placing, that it should be regarded as a criminal act to knowingly take money from people without follwing through.

I know people have the right to change their minds. However, I as a paying customer should have protection under the law and be able to put my money in escrow for safe keeping. If the birth mother at the end chooses not to place she doesn't get paid.

I'm not saying not to compensate the birth moms at all, but there should be a cap, as to how much one is required by law to pay.

The letter, will be mailed out each week, until I hear some sort of response. I'm not stopping until I do.

"Signed Anonymous"

Thank you to those who have written such open and honest and beautiful notes, to lift my spirits.

For some reason I thought no one ever saw this blog, and I began to think of it as a waste of time. Although I thoroughly enjoy the whole process of thinking of a topic and then seeing where the topic leads me.

But..if you are going to post a response, why post anonymously? Are you afraid? Are you unsure of your own comments? Are you just being mean? Or do you truly have a leg to stand on? Or do you hate your own life so much, you are just spewing crap and whining about your own bad situation? I personally think it is the latter. This is from the entire posting of the second anonymous poster to my blog: I will have to start numbering them since there seem to be so many now!

Anonymous Posted :
Hell? Really? Get a grip. Try food stamps and medicaid. That is hell. Try not being able to get even a job interview. Your surrogate is having problems? Not even close, you spoiled, entitled piece of shit. With a lack of perspective like that, the last thing you deserve is a baby.


Hmmm, do you think the poster is angry about:
1. Being on Medicaid
2. Food stamps?
3. Not being able to get a job?
4. Life in general

I'm thinking Number 4~!

My direct response: Get off the blogs and go to Monster or Career Builder for aforementioned lack of job. Blogging is not where to find one.

Back to my blog, before I go back to one of my THREE JOBS! Which didn't fall into my lap! I got off the computer and sought them out.

I for one, am a very confrontational individual. Perhaps it was my training early on in hardcore muscle gyms, as being the only girl at the time trying to be a bodybuilder, that made me stand up for myself over and over again. I'm not sure. I'm not out to hurt anyone. However, I will not let someone take advantage of me, or screw with me. Ever. If you are a liar, bullshitter or user, I will let you know what I think. And much in the same way, when I find I have ben betrayed (in life who hasn't?) I walk away. Done. It is not easy to get back into my good graces. Not to say that I am not forgiving. I can be. But not all the time. (After all I forgave my father for leaving my mother and collectively ruining eveyone's life at the time). It took some time, but I moved on.

But people who are vicious to be hurtful and mean, and I am speaking to Anonymous 1 & 2 here...You suck. And normally I would feel really bad for someone in your situation. Food stamps and all that jazz. But your ignorance has made it impossible for me to give a shit. Everyone leads the life they want to live. Including me. So next time you pass judgement, and vigorously so, do me a favor and leave your real name. Don't hide. Be proud of your statements. Own them.

Cause it seems like maybe your word, is all you have....

Mean People

I guess what got me thinking that I would end the blog, began when I was scrolling through older posts as sort of a trip back through memory lane. Where we have been, how we got there, and how we wound up where we are today.

Imagine my surprise when under an older post , as I scrolled down, seeing that someone had made a comment. TO those comments that have been posted, in the most supportive and kind ways, thank you. You will never know how much I apprecaite your steadfast and quiet support.

(I always get excited to see if someone might be reading, and how their story might mirror mine, or be slightly or a lot different. I try and learn from everyone I meet. )

This person ranted on about "I don't know what it is like to suffer and be on food stamps , without a job and without a home and that I am an entitled piece of shit for being able to do a surrogacy (which we were attempting at the time). Little do they know that we saved our money, and I could not get pregnant or have my own children. Little do they know, that we have used our savings and retirement money to fund the surrogacy and adoption attempts and at this point we are very close to running out of money. Period. We did our surrogavy three times, and are still paying off bills. So because I saved money, does that make me entitled?

I never expected the anger thrown my way in writing my little blog, where for me.. It was cheaper than therapy. I could sit and write to my hearts content, about the baby stuff because I thought that I would have a sympathetic or empathetic audience. People who have been there, who understand what this process is really like and what it can do to a human being.

I guess it is easier to throw anger at a complete stranger, than to accept your role in whatever situation befalls you. I am spending all my money on a dream, and I can't blame anyone else, if I run out of money and end up homeless.

I am not entitled. I was hopeful. Maybe sometimes sarcastic, maybe a little funny, with some sadness sprinkled on top. But never entitled.

To think that someone would Anonymously (which I love by the way) cruelly criticize me, and then be on their merry way, is beyond me. I just don't get it.

Next time if your posting anonymously ..grow some balls and write your name along with the bullshit you are spouting. Then at least I'd respect you and your half assed comment.

End of my Rope

I have been thinking a lot lately. About ending the Blog, about ending the quest for a baby.

Even though we are matched, (and the baby is a boy!)I am just not feeling it this time around. I don't want to be involved. After being at the ultrasound last week, and seeing her with her mother and the birth father, my hopes are diminished that she will place. And it was difficult. I just don't want to put myself out there anymore. I just want to get on with living my life. I guess I am tired of the ups and downs of the last eight years. This long journey has taught me a few things. Patience, and the knowledge, that no matter how much we want something, doesn't mean we always get it.

If I had a given, where I knew the birth mother was not just taking my money to live, to then change her mind at the end, I may be feeling different. But right now, with no guarantee, I'm just not sure I can do this anymore.