All Roads Point to Hell

After much conversation, it really is sad that we seem stuck. Mired in the complexity of what to do, where to go, who to turn to , who to believe in, in our attempts to get a baby. We are exhausted and overwhelmed.

The bi racial baby we were contacted about is due in April and it is a girl ...but we just don't feel comfortable forking over another retainer, birth mom fees and unforeseen expenses, in the hopes that we will get the baby. Even though they say this one is low risk...that the mom already has four kids..can't do another one...
I'm thinking" This sounds vaguely familiar"...and as much as we want to believe them, we just don't. Maybe tomorrow will bring better news.

Until then, we are just keeping our heads above water.

Happy Thanksgiving!

In a time where so many are struggling and so much hope has been lost..here is my list of what I'm thankful for:

My husband

Our Freedom

Family

Job

Sense of Humor

Patience

My Animals

And the baby that someday soon will be ours....

I haven't given up yet.

Maybe Christmas will bring a miracle....

Believe it or Not

It's been a week or so, since our world came crashing down around us. I have begun to evaluate or reevaluate my beliefs, about God, the world, and what surrounds me. Not sure if husband is doing the same thing, although going running at 11pm to Ozzy Osbournes "Crazy", should tell you in what direction he is headed.

Hop on over to http://www.beliefnet.com/ and take one of many quizzes to determine what Religion you actually are..

I know some of you are saying"I know what I am!..I don't need a test..."
Well, I thought I knew what I was, until I took the test.

Turns out I am more
Unitarian Universalist....very interesting reading....

As Popeye said ''I am what I am"....

Quote of the Day:

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.

Alexander Graham Bell

"If I Were You"...

Famous words, now recounted by just about everyone I know.

If my aunt had some balls she'd be my uncle. So it is what it is.

If one more helpful person tells me what I "should "do, I am going to stick them in the eyeball with something very sharp.

If I were you, I'd mind your business!

Now Serving: A Heaping Plate of Bitter, served with a smarmy side of "I told you so"

Well for the first time in about a week, my husband and I had a laugh.

A big belly laugh about a stock we hesitantly purchased a few days ago, and violently tried to sell today amid all kinds of verbiage coming from the stock representatives mouth. "Bid" Ask" and market price were being tossed around like a juggler manhandling his wares, and since my husband and I have relatively no trading experience all we wanted to find out was when the stock hit the "price at which we wanted to sell, why didn't it sell"? Turns out the bid price is the price the stock needs to hit before it will sell, and well, it got a bit confusing when i was on the phone with Mr. Stock trader explaining it, and my husband yelling, "I just wanted to make 200 dollars!" As I'm hushing my husband, I'm laughing into the phone saying to the stock man, "Hey we just wanna sell it when it get to this price!" Mr Stock man said , amid hearing all the ranting and raving from my husband said... "Wow it sounds crazy there.., and I said"You think this is bad, yesterday it was like the movie Wall Street in here, SELL, SELL SELL!

I should know all this after taking my Series Six Exam about ten years ago, which I needed a tutor for mind you and I still failed) That was traumatizing. But not nearly as traumatizing as being so close to getting a baby, and having it vanish right before our eyes.

Another lawyer contacted us about a bi-racial baby but after reading her information, the firm would get a retainer of $2500.00 the birthmom gets $5100.00 and the actual adoption costs $20,000.00 save any additional UNFORESEEN expenses.

What I want to know is where does the 20 grand go?. Does the birth mom get it? Do the lawyers take it and go on a nice trip? Do they put it back into the system? Plus, if we signed and the birthmother "disrupted the process" as she called it , we would only get ten thousand back!

I told her, I didn't understand.....and we would pass. After all we already have $20,000.00 out on the street right now...with little chance of getting it back.

We did get a call from our attorney. She said that they had worked out a payment plan for the Babymama, to pay us back. I'm hoping that includes all the time the social worker needed to spend "counseling" her. Since the counseling did not work, I am wanting her to reimburse us.

I'd really like to sue her for emotional distress, too. But they are saying I can't. I wonder. Can't because I wouldn't win? Or because I just can't? Why shouldn't I be able to? She is an adult, and knew what we had previously been through...Shame on her.

I'm going to be googling that. As well as my council man, the state department and anyone else
I can to take a look at this nasty little business of brokering babies.

I have been having vivid baby dreams...all turning out not so great when I wake up. I, as an adult realize it is not nice to wish someone ill will, dying, death, dismemberment...but I would really like to pack up my husband' s trailer with all the baby crap and run her over with it.

Sorry, I just do.

I am not a lunatic...I'm just sad.

Mother fu**er!

Ok, I lied.

This isn't getting any easier. In fact, it sucks way more than it did even a few days ago, because the longer we are on this cruel and unusual ride, the more I realize we may not make it off.

I get up and try to be positive and try to be happy and try to be a forward thinker. Meaning that since our opportunity has vanished and gone, I think of it as burned ashes, and well, you can't reburn ashes that have already been burned. What is the use? So I try and move on, move forward.

But the fact is ...I am still angry at this girl, at the agencies, the lawyers, all the people who turned finding children a home into a motherfucking business. The priority should be the CHILD. The MOTHER? They got themselves into a bad situation. And I feel bad for them about that.
But why the hell should I foot the bill for computers, rent, utilities, clothing,. food and other expenses when the primary factor should be the unborn child. This has turned ugly and really? Some of these girls "double dip", signing with two agencies and getting money from both knowing full well they will not even place the baby at the end...

How can I give a shit about the birth mother, when I am being extorted!

Someone needs to reevaluate the laws governing adoption, and make it clear, that expenses are what is deemed "medically necessary" for the well being of the unborn child - not so that the babmamas out here can get as much swag as an Oscar presenter!

I am calling my representative, and will go to the State Government office if I have to, to get someone to recognize what is happening. It is bullshit.

One of the things my lawyer said was "Oh the best thing you will be able to tell this baby, is that you helped her mother"....

"Yeah....I helped her empty seven thousand dollars out of my bank account".

Back to Life, Back to Reality...

Each morning when I wake to find I haven't died in my sleep from a heart attack over all this...is a good day! So here's to celebrating having our hearts ripped out and being mature and adult enough to get up and carry on as if nothing has even happened.

We are slowly recuperating, kind of like a patient who has suddenly died on the operating table, and the Dr uses the zapper thingy (defibrillator- Ha ! You thought I didn't know the name!) to bring them back to life. Suddenly the flat line...begins to pulse and you see the heartbeat, up on the screen...and you realize....Life...is back.

I'm not feeling exactly that way, but something close. Each day gets a bit easier.

I know the devil woman (OOPS BABYMAMA) had the baby on Wednesday, and I suppose she is back home in her tent, or trailer, or hotel room, given that she really had nowhere to go.

I am assuming the girl who we met is long gone, and has been taken over by a seriously delusional imitation...

I pray for the baby. I pray that she is ok and can thrive.... given her present situation.

As for the Babymama?

Not so much.

Over & Out

This is getting a bit comical. Although really? I am having a hard time finding anything funny about people making a promises and failing to keep them. AGAIN!

Second match, day before induction and the babymama wigs out. The first match two months ago left us reeling with disappointment, and a slight cautiousness.

But after spending six weeks with this girl and making sure she had what she needed and was taken care of, and listened to, and basically catered to, she decided she is keeping the baby.

The same baby she said she didn't want to be "stuck" having. The same baby who she exclaimed she wanted better for. Who she couldn't provide for, because she made bad choices, is nothing and will never be anything. (Her words, not mine)

Sadly that baby, our baby, will never get that chance. Born into a life of less, and I'm not even talking about money...I'm talking about maturity, consciousness, decision making and the grown up world, with a mother who is not even parenting her first child...I'm sad for the baby. I'm sad for us.

I'm angry and it has changed my opinion of adoption (not that we have much choice given our situation.) I am now cynical, and given another opportunity to be matched I'm afraid I will be more than cautious. She has taken my trust and killed it and taken any belief I have that all people are basically good, and threw it down the garbage disposal and grinded it into tiny pieces. I will not believe anything anyone tells me. Ever. Again. About Babies and Adoption. Case Closed.
How can people dangle a baby in front of a couple, so desperate to parent and so desperate to want to experience a new life, that they will say anything to those people and then on a whim, change their mind? How does she live with herself?

There has to be a better way ..a better way to protect adoptive parents wanting to do the right thing. Why are there no laws to help us? All is hear is the Birth mother, the birth mother...and we are left stunned, spewing profanities worse than frothy fans at an afternoon football game, and feeling like we just did ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

I'd also like to say that my exhaustion rivals running the Boston Marathon, even though I have done little but cry the last few days.

It would be nice if I could find a nice warm womb myself and crawl back up there, and hibernate, given what I know about the mean and cruel pregnant women who say they want to help a couple to have a baby, and all they are really helping themselves to is a tide me over, cover my expenses ride to fantasy land.

Babymama's - Mani -Pedi - $100
Babymama's Groceries-$400
Babymamas Cell Phone- $100

Babymama in hotel with her mother and her other kid, with no job, no insurance, no common sense, no money and a serious bout with depression....

Priceless.

As Ready as we Can Be....

Baby's room is just about done...save for a few little things, which will get done in due time. We have the basic things we will need.. and now we just wait for the phone call. They are inducing on Tuesday evening, and hopefully we will have our daughter by Wednesday.
This whole process has been so overwhelming, that at times we seem to be just fumbling along. We are anxious for this part of the journey to be over, and even more anxious for the new phase of our life to begin.

Ready or Not

After going to the Dr with the babymama on Friday, she did ask to be induced and we were given the date of November 18th.

Nine days and counting down...

It is surreal, that it is happening so fast. We are totally unprepared ...but when are you ever prepared?

I have gone and bought the requisite items from the store..diapers, bottles etc...and will go today to get paint and the crib and rocker.

My husband doesn't want to paint the room given we are only here temporarily, but I think it is a necessary thing. A little color will brighten the room, and make it special.

My life is about to change. Our life is about to change.

Here's to a life changing 2009!

Baby Love

Well, things are moving along.

We had a nice visit from the very social, social worker to update our home study and only have a few minor things to get to finish up all our paperwork. We are on our way.

I head to the Dr with out Baby mama tomorrow, for a checkup and along with the social worker to determine how the birth will go. We are trying to establish ourselves with the hospital and the Dr so it will make for an easier transition after the birth.

The baby mama has inquired as to an induced labor and birth thus making it easier for everyone involved. We are hoping this can be determined tomorrow, and we can schedule everything else around this big event.

She still doesn't know what she wants: help in the delivery room, seeing the baby afterwards, I think she just doesn't know.

We will be anxious, joyous, sad and happy that day. We feel an overwhelming tug at our hearts for the baby's mother...how bittersweet the day will be, with us gaining a daughter, and her letting one go.

I hope we have the strength to get through it all.

Time will tell.

Getting Ready...

Our birth mom has been steadfast in her decision to not change her mind, which has presented us with a few issues.
Number One - Holy crap were getting a baby!
Number Two- Oh my god we have no idea what we are doing, as evidence by our most recent trip to Babies r Us, which left us feeling like we were tourists in a foreign country.
Strollers, cribs, bath stuff...the market has been inundated with products since I remember my sister going through all of this about 15 years ago. Holy cow, how does anyone make a decision????

Thankfully, I have been given some good advice by my sister in law and some thoughtful friends who know I am a blind man in a china shop. Or should I say blind woman???Nevertheless, while it does make it less confusing, I am now terrified. Of what I don't know and what I DO know and what my husband doesn't know.
Scary...scary..scary...

I did go out to purchase a few books..on all things baby ( after the delivery of course) and in reading, aside from feeling sick all went well!

In five weeks we will be parents.

While I was trying to not get excited, it happened while I wasn't looking and now, I'm on a baby roll.

All in all, I think it will be fine. The birth mom has another appointment at the Dr's next week which I will attend, and then we will have a little spa day ..just me and her. Kind of a little papering day for her, to let her know ..that we care about her and the baby..

Well, I'm still working on the registry...who knew we needed so much stuff??