Mommy?

A title that I thought I would never own, bestowed upon me hastily, that in that time, I had little time mysef to reflect.

My own mother is ill and cannot travel to see the baby. But I want her here. I would have loved to have her guiding me, empowering me. Honestly, I don't think my own mother wanted children. She did what was expected. She was a good mother, albeit a little scary at times, which was good I think. It kept us in check, and I always had a healthy fear of her. But after getting home, realizing that things would never be the same, I felt what many mother's probably feel. The innate ability to protect and to take care . Putting him first is my priority now.

I still don't feel like a Mother. But I am working on instinct, and I am good with him. I have waited so long for the little moments, and I can't wait to replicate some of what my mother gave me. A love of books from being read to. A strong sense of self. And the ability to be compassionate for all things.

I sit holding him, and smell his sweet smell, and talk to him, like he is old enough to understand.

The dialogue is starting now.

How he came to us, the story of his birthmother, the chase of a baby.

He will know everything, as that is his right. I do not fear him wanting to find his first mother at some point. I expect it. And if he so chooses, I will guide him every step of the way in his search, bringing to close the circle of life, that finally brought me my son.