Beautiful Boy

It's late. As I hold Chase, swaddled tight in a baby blue receiving blanket, I stare. His eyelashes faint blond, are starting to sprout, his cheeks pink and full ,and his chest rises and falls in a rhythmic cadence. Occasionally he twitches , then smiles, then gets back to the business of sleeping.

He is a wonder. I think a lot about him while he is sleeping in my arms.

Hoping that in my ability to mother I will let him be himself. That I will teach him, but not be demanding. That I will be able to foster his interest, consistently so that he will know the joy and comfort of routine and responsibility.

That I hope to guide him to be kind and loving to all things, including animals. ( Cause to me, if you are not an animal lover, sorry I don't trust you!) That he will know that in life to be successful is not dependant on money or materialistic things, and having those things is an innate gift, not a given.

To show him that is always better to give than receive, and that the pleasures of small things, playing outside, going to the beach, the fascination of the outdoors and people and life is much better than sitting in front of the TV.

I'd love him to live without fear or regret and that in living, learning to confront issues head on and deal with mistakes without faltering shows the true measure of a man. And that in confronting, or handing matters, doesn't have to be sticky or unpleasant if handled correctly. I will teach him to love and respect everyone, in the same manner in which he hopes to be treated.

And I will let him know that is OK to be afraid, and unsure. And that we don't worry about things that we cannot control or change, or worry about the future.

For me mothering is new. I have watched many of my peers become mothers. Some good, some not. I have watched with great detail my own mother and mothers around me, and out of all of them, my mother did the best. She is always there in the background. She steps to the forefront when needed, but is not overbearing and does not inject her presence unless it is asked for.
She ruled with an iron fist at home, and while sometimes she was scary, it was necessary. All three of us , never got into trouble. We don't lie, cheat or have personality issues. Not to say that we are perfect. We aren't. But so many of my friends mothers simply didn't care, or weren't there, or were weak. Parents cannot be weak! So I hope to be that kind of mother. I grew up loving life. Looking for challenges and trying to better myself. I hope I can keep that up.

After all the trials and tribulations the last eight years, it was had not to become cynical. Dealing with schemers and liars and people solely taking advantage of the system because they know they can, truly tested my faith in humanity. But as I sit and look at him and marvel at the joy of him .. he is ours. It was luck. I know that. After all he was originally intended to be placed with another family, who got a call about another baby across the country. He came early...thus making him available. Why we were chosen, I don't know exactly. But I am glad we were.

He has given life a new meaning. And as cliched as it sounds, it makes me hopeful for the future.

I will give him the foundation for which he builds his life.