UGGGG, I'm 46...

Well, my birthday has come and gone. 46 about a week ago. I don't feel too different, although I am tired a lot, which I was before I was 46 so I'd have to say for right now things are the same. Another year older, time flies. Where does it go?

A new business, a crumbling economy and still no baby. We have sent out feelers (and money of course) to other agencies, in the hopes that being on a few different lists will provide faster results.

I don't dare talk about the economy, because honestly what is left to say? It sucks and is not going to get better anytime soon. We will have to ride out the worst of it to hopefully get to the other side.
It just doesn't look good.

I was secretly hoping that the birth mom would change her mind back, but so far not a peep. I guess she isn't watching the news and isn't scared of the economy and what's to come. I wish I was her. 16 and oblivious to the world around me living in a me-me-me bubble, only thinking and caring about myself.

But I don't. I worry for all those losing their jobs, losing their houses, losing their minds.

In Indiana, they came up with a law saying that a parent can leave a baby at a hospital, if they are not able to care for them properly, with no consequences. They have also just passed a law allowing parents to drop off a child AT ANY AGE, because they can't or don't feel like they can care for them. One man recently dropped off his entire family ranging from 1 to 17. Five kids!

The job of any parent is to accept responsibility for having those children. Now if you can drop off a child of any age, because suddenly you are overwhelmed, it will flood the already overcrowded and dismal foster care system, choking it's resources, so that those truly in need will no longer get the help that is already limited.

You can't just drop off kids, because things get hard. I wish I had the opportunity so many take for granted. And it is perhaps my greatest sorrow that I may never get the chance.

What is wrong with people?

What is happening to our country?

Rhuematiod rears it's ugly head

Well, this last week, probably has been the worst of my life so far.

A new business with the stress that goes along with it, the sad news from our adoption agency that the birth mother has changed her mind about placing her baby with us, and my 46 birthday is rolling near.

Ultimately when I was diagnosed with RA about seven years ago(ironically right after I got married) I went through a period of time, that was trial and error with medication and modifications to my life in order to best manage this debilitating disease.

It is insidious for a number of reasons, mainly because the damage being done to joints is not visible to the naked eye. Many days I look fine, but am fighting the effects of the disease, mainly fatigue, soreness, joint pain and swelling. RA is a auto-immune disease. The body views the synovial nucleus of the joint as foreign matter and the white blood cells attack the affected area, leaving it inflamed, and terribly painful. It is the worst pain I have even felt, with major painkillers unable to quell the searing jolts through the joints...rendering you disabled.

So, while I LOOK fine...I most days, don't feel fine.

Last night as the evening progressed, I felt that all too familiar tinge of pain weaving it's way through my left knee.

By the end of the evening, I could not bend my leg to get in the car and let out a huge "Yelp" as I tried to maneuver my way into the car sideways.
It was back.

I haven't had a flare up in years, due to the fact of Enbrel a weekly injectable I had given myself, regularly up until recently. I had developed a chronic sinus thingy which when you have an infection you cannot take Enbrel. So with much trepidation, I stopped the Enbrel, figuring my sinus thing would clear and I would get right back on. But that is not what happened. Chronic sinus conditions ebb and flow, coming and going and just when I thought it was getting better and I could take the injection, it would come back. Long story short, I have been on and off the Enbrel for more than several months. Thus my flare up.

I guess I was also secretly hoping that I would wean myself off, as I am taking so many meds now, the thought of taking one less was a hopeful one. It was not meant to be.

So I cannot work today. Not in Big Daddy's, not at my regular job, at the Pilates studio. Vicoden takes the edge off, but it doesn't make me comfortable, and I am like a prisoner in my own body.

In a day or two it should dissipate, allowing me to return to my normal activities. But until then...

I am bedridden, watching the food network.

Now I am hungry.

Riding on the Rollercoaster of Life

Sometimes, it seems as if we have been on a huge, menacing roller coaster on our quest for a baby. (Which I loved as a kid by the way, but now hate as an adult). We have been coasting along, slowly climbing the hills with exciting anticipation with each phone call or surrogacy trial only to reach the tip top and come barreling over the edge, feeling totally and fully out of control.

The ups and downs of life are what make life, well life..If everything stayed on an even keel so to speak..it would all get kind of boring I guess.

So after getting exciting news a week ago that we had been chosen by a birth mom to be parents for her child, we got a call yesterday telling us that the birth mother had changed her mind, and is keeping the baby.

What can you do?

She is 16 and has no idea of what lays ahead for her. I feel badly for the baby, as I believe that she is being selfish and putting her own feelings before what is good for the baby. Am I angry. Yep. But, I'm letting it go. I'm tired. I'm tired of being angry, and I'm taking the approach that perhaps this wasn't the baby that needed us most.

I'll hang onto my hope. It is all I have left.

She changed her mind once, she may change it again. While we wont wait for that it is always a possibility.

Until then I guess Big Daddy's will be our baby for now.

Big Daddy's Finally Open

Big Daddy's finally opened over Labor Day weekend, with much success. The hard working kitchen staff, kept at it, during the swells of customers, and then got right back into prepping food for the next day. With a few kinks to work out, and some small bumps along the way, we are betting on a great year for a great new franchise.