Been a While

Well, weeks have passed since I have written, so I thought I would give a little time and attention to the blog that I so mothered and nurtured a long the way.

Things have slowed on the baby front, and I have given up. I'm not pursuing it anymore, but that is not to say my husband isn't. My take on the whole thing has always been one of, if it was meant to happen it would, and it just hasn't. I'm tired of the chase. I'm tired of spending money, and I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster.

To say that I am in an easy part of my life would be a lie and I feel that there are many important decisions to be made over the next few months. When I look at life as a one shot deal, I'm not willing to compromise. I don't apologize for who I am at my age, and I am honest about my journey.

I have not been feeling well, with my RA rearing its ugly head, and my fear has always been that I will eventually be alone and be sick and unable to care for myself. An ugly dream for sure that I hope does not come true.

On top of which it has rendered me useless. I cannot walk, and had to get myself to the Dr and he drew 4 syringes of fluid out of the knee, and it was incredibly painful. Then I had an injection of medicine, and Prednisone and Darvocet.

So I have been laid up on the couch most of the day which makes all the animals happy, but me and my husband miserable.

Most people, when they think of RA, don't realize how debilitating it can be. Things can be fine, and then it swoops in and changes your plans, and smacks you between the eyes, and then I remember , I'm limited in what I can do.

So, I wait. To feel better. And hopefully it comes sooner than later. The one upside is that I have no appetite, and I got my disabled parking tag. ( To be used at discretionary times of course) As the nurse said "If you are feeling fine, don't use it to go sprinting into a store!". Well said.

After having been a patient there for four years, of which two I neglected to go, and then got yelled at because I had waited too long in between visits) The meds I am on are potent, and apparently I need to have my liver checked. Go figure!

She entered the exam room to prep for the procedure and I felt bad because I can never remember her name! Karen, Candy..I don't know. She is probably 75 and wears fuchsia lipstick, (quite a look let me tell you) , she found me crying. I don't know why. People don't understand the illness, and some days I am fine, that is the paradox. And then the next day I am not and they don't understand. She was very comforting, putting her hand on mine, and saying in a motherly way that everything would be ok. In lieu of my own mother, who mostl ikely would not do that anyway, it was very nice to feel something from someone.

To feel this bad at such a young age, it makes me want to scream and shake people when they sit around and eat, and complain and are fucking lazy, because they should be MOVING. All I would like to do at my age, is move freely without it in the back of my head that I could have a flareup. But I cannot.

Money comes and goes
Friends come and go
We love our family but don't always like them
But when you have your health you have EVERYTHING.