Update

Well, with numerous visitors strolling through our doors lately perhaps the nicest one for me was my sister coming out from California for a week.It was unexpected and so appreciated.

I love her and miss her, and when they moved to California we drifted apart a bit, and it has been maddening trying to keep up and catch up all these years. Her kids are grown (almost), and I so cherished this time with her. We did the usual baby stuff, but she went above and beyond helping at night, while my husband and I were trying to catch up on sleep! I have a feeling that I'll be playing catch up for a very long time!

Saying goodbye to her at the airport was very hard...I don't cry easily but I wanted to bawl my eyes out and yell, "Don't leave me!"

Sad, that she is not closer. It was my best compliment yet when she said I was doing a great job. From a pro that means everything!

Baby Love

Beautiful Boy

It's late. As I hold Chase, swaddled tight in a baby blue receiving blanket, I stare. His eyelashes faint blond, are starting to sprout, his cheeks pink and full ,and his chest rises and falls in a rhythmic cadence. Occasionally he twitches , then smiles, then gets back to the business of sleeping.

He is a wonder. I think a lot about him while he is sleeping in my arms.

Hoping that in my ability to mother I will let him be himself. That I will teach him, but not be demanding. That I will be able to foster his interest, consistently so that he will know the joy and comfort of routine and responsibility.

That I hope to guide him to be kind and loving to all things, including animals. ( Cause to me, if you are not an animal lover, sorry I don't trust you!) That he will know that in life to be successful is not dependant on money or materialistic things, and having those things is an innate gift, not a given.

To show him that is always better to give than receive, and that the pleasures of small things, playing outside, going to the beach, the fascination of the outdoors and people and life is much better than sitting in front of the TV.

I'd love him to live without fear or regret and that in living, learning to confront issues head on and deal with mistakes without faltering shows the true measure of a man. And that in confronting, or handing matters, doesn't have to be sticky or unpleasant if handled correctly. I will teach him to love and respect everyone, in the same manner in which he hopes to be treated.

And I will let him know that is OK to be afraid, and unsure. And that we don't worry about things that we cannot control or change, or worry about the future.

For me mothering is new. I have watched many of my peers become mothers. Some good, some not. I have watched with great detail my own mother and mothers around me, and out of all of them, my mother did the best. She is always there in the background. She steps to the forefront when needed, but is not overbearing and does not inject her presence unless it is asked for.
She ruled with an iron fist at home, and while sometimes she was scary, it was necessary. All three of us , never got into trouble. We don't lie, cheat or have personality issues. Not to say that we are perfect. We aren't. But so many of my friends mothers simply didn't care, or weren't there, or were weak. Parents cannot be weak! So I hope to be that kind of mother. I grew up loving life. Looking for challenges and trying to better myself. I hope I can keep that up.

After all the trials and tribulations the last eight years, it was had not to become cynical. Dealing with schemers and liars and people solely taking advantage of the system because they know they can, truly tested my faith in humanity. But as I sit and look at him and marvel at the joy of him .. he is ours. It was luck. I know that. After all he was originally intended to be placed with another family, who got a call about another baby across the country. He came early...thus making him available. Why we were chosen, I don't know exactly. But I am glad we were.

He has given life a new meaning. And as cliched as it sounds, it makes me hopeful for the future.

I will give him the foundation for which he builds his life.

Mommy?

A title that I thought I would never own, bestowed upon me hastily, that in that time, I had little time mysef to reflect.

My own mother is ill and cannot travel to see the baby. But I want her here. I would have loved to have her guiding me, empowering me. Honestly, I don't think my own mother wanted children. She did what was expected. She was a good mother, albeit a little scary at times, which was good I think. It kept us in check, and I always had a healthy fear of her. But after getting home, realizing that things would never be the same, I felt what many mother's probably feel. The innate ability to protect and to take care . Putting him first is my priority now.

I still don't feel like a Mother. But I am working on instinct, and I am good with him. I have waited so long for the little moments, and I can't wait to replicate some of what my mother gave me. A love of books from being read to. A strong sense of self. And the ability to be compassionate for all things.

I sit holding him, and smell his sweet smell, and talk to him, like he is old enough to understand.

The dialogue is starting now.

How he came to us, the story of his birthmother, the chase of a baby.

He will know everything, as that is his right. I do not fear him wanting to find his first mother at some point. I expect it. And if he so chooses, I will guide him every step of the way in his search, bringing to close the circle of life, that finally brought me my son.

Chase Braden

Rounding out the Adoption Event

The adoption that took place three weeks ago, still has to be finalized. Papers were signed but the adoption hearing, takes place about four months, after the fact. So while we ready for that, let me back up a bit and recall the many adventures I had while the process took place.

Essentially my husband and I have only been separated for the last 16 years, once or twice. So going to a strange town, and then staying there by myself, was a gigantic leap of faith for me.

I familiarized myself with the hospital setting (even tried to get into use the employee gym!) and got to know the nursing staff quite well. I was lucky enough to stay at the Ronald McDonald House right on hospital grounds. It was well equipped and run solely by volunteers. They provided a clean room and bed for ten dollars a night in exchange for light chores. I have to admit I did miss a TV in the room, but after a few days I was so tired, it didn't matter. I was able to walk to and from the hospital , and if the weather was bad, or it was late, hospital security ferried me back and forth. Doing chores after being in the NICU all day was really the last thing I wanted to do, but I tried to do it quickly and efficiently.

(Damn the person to hell who kept messing up the inside of the microwave!)

The people for the most part who volunteered there were helpful and nice, one even helping me get my new babies car seat in the car. With no prior experience, the car seat thing became a whole other issue for me. But I have to say, if we are getting housing near a hospital for free, pick up after your damn self! Some people are just amazing. Leaving food out to spoil, (all donated by the way) all over the counter, dishes in the sink...I shudder to think what the inside of their house must look like! Every night another business or group donated dinner, which was not just sandwiches. The food ranged from Bar B Q to Soup to full three course meals. Ironically, I rarely ate there, not because I didn't want to, I was always in a rush to get back to the hospital.

Readying to leave by 2:30 the staff kept me waiting till 4:30pm, which annoyed me. Reason? There was a delivery. Ummm, does every doctor on staff have to respond to a delivery? Apparantly , yes.

The hospital, while they do a car seat test, for the length of your drive, will not help you secure the baby in any way after leaving the hospital. They hand you the baby and you place him in the restraint. Not thinking ahead and really we had little time to work on it, as I tried to get the car seat in an out, I was approached by a homeless man.

South Florida has an abundance of homeless, and he came right up to me and asked me for money. Normally, I do give a few dollars. But that day, after having been at the hospital for ten days by myself, and struggling with the enormity of the adoption and the god forsaken car seat, I said"I'm sorry. I just adopted a baby and I don't have any money left." Not far from the truth actually. He turned and left, and left me there with the car seat.

My days were long in the NICU. I usually got there a little after 8 am, just as the shift changed. I would sit next to the isolet, occasionally peering in, and then readying myself to do the temperature, and changing/feeding. He was a good baby from the beginning. Never crying too much. He would fuss a bit, but for the most part, he seemed content.

After having been at the hospital for about a week, I got in the car and headed home for the weekend. I had cake to make and a few things to ready for my return trip home. I didn't want to leave him. And couldn't wait to get back to him. As I traveled across the state, I suppose I was speeding. yes, I know I was speeding but couldn't help it.

I saw the lights and the patrol car, and could not believe I was getting pulled over. In all my years of driving (30 +)I have never gotten a speeding ticket! Till that day... I tried to explain that I was headed back to a hospital where my infant son was, but he did not care. He actually pulled me over after I had passed someone, so technically I didn't think it was fair. But I wasn't about to fight with him. I find that cops in general have little humor during a traffic stop, and the Florida kind are just more humor less than the average. Sorry. I mean while you are pulling me over would it kill you to be pleasant? I guess they have to assume that every stop is a potential problem. But, it would have been nice to have someone who could have understood my driving fast to get back to my son.

A whole other myriad of problems cropped up, during my stay. My car battery died three times. Thankfully I had Triple AAA and they came out and changed the battery. And aside from my son not being in the car seat properly, as I was driving home by myself with the baby, I realized that my husband should have been with me. I drove for about 40 minutes, and pulled over. Thankfully I stopped when I did. The baby was slumped over in the car seat, just too little to fit in properly. I bolstered him up with diapers and blankets, and was able to secure him a bit better, but I really wanted to cry. I was so tired. Tired from the last eight years of hell, of the hospital, of everything. Except the baby.

As I drove, I headed into what was potentially the worst storm I have ever driven in. Thunder, lightning and dark skies, enveloped the car as I headed East. Now I really wanted to cry. I kept thinking , how am I going to drive in this? I couldn't see..the rain was pelting the car sideways and the lighting was fierce. I thought, "Can I call 911?" "What do I do? "Where do I pull over?" And then I laughed, to myself. Because I knew if I called 911 crying, that I couldn't drive my newborn son in a rainstorm, that the call would end up on CNN an I would never live it down.

So I ventured on. Going slow with my hazard lights on , stopping when I needed to. It took over five hours, but we made it.

Pulling into the driveway. I felt empowered. After the last eight years.Getting to where we are now?I know I can do anything.

A Suprise and then a Miracle..

As my last post stated, I had been in search of a miracle. No not the lottery although that would be nice, and I'd love to win. I wasn't looking for something religous, because here in South Florida I can find that on any street corner. People praying and overflowing with gods words, here in god's country..not that I have anything against it, I just dont want it crammed down my throat 24/7. My feelings and spiritual enlightening come from a place, that doesn't necessarily come from a church or from people talking about it, obsessing about it, or trying to convince me otherwise.

After my conversation with the lawyer a week or two passed without any confirmation of the intended birth mother situation. I had again, started to lay those hopes and dreams aside and focus on what my life might be without a child. After all I had gone this long, without one.

The days passed and on Wednesday afternoon I received a call at the Chicken Shop . It was our lawyer. She needed to speak asap and was I in a private place?

I took the phone into the restroom where she began to tell me that a baby boy had been born that morning in *******, FL. Did we want him? I went blank, and then said "Let me talk to David" She rattled off some health information and information regarding the mother, and I hung up stunned. Now? Right now a baby? I asked my husband to come sit at the table.

"The lawyer called. There is a baby. It is a boy and he was born this morning. We would have to be there Friday, and someone has to stay three weeks. He is the NICU. Born at 33 weeks. Do we want him? "We both stareda t each other in disbelief.

We went over logistics. Who could stay? Who would run the business back home? It was decided we would go to the lawyer the next morning with our decision. As we thought about it, mulled it over..it was shocking that after chasing something for so long, it was being handed to us overnight.

I called the birth mother that evening and we had a very nice, candid conversation She was not unlike the other birth moms, wounded, low self esteem, and no hope for the future. She wanted to do the right thing for him, to give him every opportunity that she herself could not. I thanked her, asked her if she needed anything. She declined anything and just said "Love him, and let him know that I loved him too. "

We received an email from the lawyer with his picture sent via the birth mom in the hospital. He was tiny, maybe four pounds, and was adorable. We were hooked from the moment we saw him.

We made plans to go to the hospital on Friday which was a few hours away. On our way, we talked about many things. The failing economy, the weather, would make it on time, and we struggled to stay positive. This was after all, a placement where she still could change her mind. As we neared the facility, my husband was convinced that it would not happen. We parked the car and nervously held each others hands as we entered the hospital. He ran to the rest room, and then the phone rang. On the other end, I could hear the social workers voice.

"Shes signing right now, stay where you are I'll come and get you". I smiled as I put the phone down. Just then my husband walked out of the rest room. He looked at me, and I said"She signed them". He got weak in the knees and went ghost white. I thought for a moment that he would pass out, but he steadied himself on the wall, and took a deep breath.

One journey over. Another new one beginning.

As we went upstairs to meet the birth mom, we were in shock, disbelief. I saw her standing in the waiting room. She was waiting to meet us. She surveyed my husband and I both carefully and then reached out to hug me.

Pulling back, she said"Do you want to meet your son? " Entering the NICU is a process, and after checking in, and getting clearance, we scrubbed down much in the way a surgeon would before an operation.

I went into the NICU with her leading the way. We came upon a small incubator, and the little infant laying inside was pink , and calm. I peered in. I turned to her and thanked her. She said "Good luck with him", and walked out to get my husband.

My husband came slowly down the isle and was looking from side to side. The noise level inside a NICU is palpable, overwhelming at first. He reached where I was standing and we both just looked into the isolet.

After years of disappointment and despair, we had come full circle.

Staring at our little boy...we couldn't help but think, that maybe in order for us to get what we truly wanted, we had to lose almost everything else in the process.

May 13, 2009 our son was born, and on May 15, 2009 he became ours.

We are forever grateful.

Arthritis and the Miracle

My arthritis is back.

Were like old friends now, and my fear of being alone has subsided because I always know I'll have it beside me every step of the way. I have to say it has enlightened me to live a more productive life when I can, getting a glimpse into my older years if you will, and while they are not pretty, it does make you slow down and see things from a different angle.

Funny how when you are wishing on a miracle ( which I was doing last week on Wednesday) the phone rang. It was the lawyer, asking me how we have been, blah, blah, blah. Then comes the speech ..

"We have this birthmother situation".

Ok, I am using the term Birthmother again, but too bad.

Why do they call it a situation? Isn't it a total disregard for taking responsibility for oneself? Whatever.

So there is a birth mother situation, and I'm listening, and the whole time I'm thinking to myself. I just stopped thinking about all of this. I just turned it off, and put it to bed, and here it is back again.
"She is such a great girl" Ummm, maybe, but I really don't care . Why do they think if they tell me how great she is that that will make me want to proceed? It does not. In fact it makes me want to pull my hair out and run screaming in the opposite direction.

So I am underwhelmed. That was Wednesday. Saturday another lawyer's office called and they too have a "situation". Seems to be going around. This one I'm not at all interested in. Older couple, still together , not working , need money and they are saying they are giving a baby up, and I hope they follow through, but it won't be me on the other end. We already went through something like that, and if a couple is still together I don't care what they say, the inclination is going to be to keep the baby. Plus they are only eight weeks into the pregnancy and I think are just looking for a meal ticket.

I just feel nothing. Things have been so hard with the new business, it is exhausting and right now I cannot imagine making it more difficult. I'm not sure what is happening given that I have not heard back from the lawyer.

I'm sure they'll call when they want money.

U.S. Polo and the Ponies

My heart aches fort he 21 horses that died a week or so ago, in Wellington , Fl not far from where we are. A human error, it was senseless, and makes you stop and think.

We decided to go to the last Polo match of the season, last Sunday. I was more than excited, and then even doubly s when a customer gave us tickets.

Staring out at Jen and Kevin's house, we had a brunch of Champagne and a nectar of some kind ( a Bellini perhaps? ) and I made pork roll and cheese sandwiches for my friends ( A NJ delicacy)who had never had them, and we relaxed and chatted about our excitement to go to the match.

As we arrived, you could hear the hooves pounding the sod, you could hear yelling and chatter, and the horses snorts and heavy breath from the activity. The sky was a bright blue, the sod so green, and the air was perfect. Not too hot, the sun was out and shining, but there was a lovely breeze blowing creating the perfect day.

We sat and watched the earlier match at 11:00, and when each chukker (akin to a inning) was over , they riders and their ponies would leave the field and everyone would step gingerly on the sod and then go around and pounce on the divits that they horses hooves had created in the grass. As we stomped divits across the field we came across a rider, the one woman in the pack. She was riding a dark brown pony, and she seemed comfortable in her own skin on the horse and on the field.

The horn blows signaling a return to play and we hurriedly crossed the field to the car where we were tailgating.

Watching people eat and drink and relax watching one of the most majestic sports to me was just heaven. My husband who fell asleep in the back of our friends SUV thought less so.

The finals began at 3:00 with a parade of stunning events: skydivers who looked so thoroughly off their mark that I thought they would be landing in the field down the street, jet airplanes, that looked military in nature but I'm not sure where they came from, and the pomp and circumstance that is Palm Beach. Money and fancy cars and ladies with breasts abounding. Also there were a lot of older gents with younger gals, the norm for this area but to me it is still the creepiest thing I have seen.

The "haves" as we called them, had little tents spread out, and champagne flowed from glass to glass, and the ladies were polished and wearing big brimmed hats. The men dapper in their suits and bow ties, this was old money from Palm Beach.

It was interesting to people watch, and the match was quicker and more intense than the one we had previously watched.

The day was glorious.

When I was younger I wanted to be a jockey. And as I watched the ponies I couldnt help but feel a twinge of what could have been. I'm small , I'm strong and I think I could have been a good one.

Been a While

Well, weeks have passed since I have written, so I thought I would give a little time and attention to the blog that I so mothered and nurtured a long the way.

Things have slowed on the baby front, and I have given up. I'm not pursuing it anymore, but that is not to say my husband isn't. My take on the whole thing has always been one of, if it was meant to happen it would, and it just hasn't. I'm tired of the chase. I'm tired of spending money, and I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster.

To say that I am in an easy part of my life would be a lie and I feel that there are many important decisions to be made over the next few months. When I look at life as a one shot deal, I'm not willing to compromise. I don't apologize for who I am at my age, and I am honest about my journey.

I have not been feeling well, with my RA rearing its ugly head, and my fear has always been that I will eventually be alone and be sick and unable to care for myself. An ugly dream for sure that I hope does not come true.

On top of which it has rendered me useless. I cannot walk, and had to get myself to the Dr and he drew 4 syringes of fluid out of the knee, and it was incredibly painful. Then I had an injection of medicine, and Prednisone and Darvocet.

So I have been laid up on the couch most of the day which makes all the animals happy, but me and my husband miserable.

Most people, when they think of RA, don't realize how debilitating it can be. Things can be fine, and then it swoops in and changes your plans, and smacks you between the eyes, and then I remember , I'm limited in what I can do.

So, I wait. To feel better. And hopefully it comes sooner than later. The one upside is that I have no appetite, and I got my disabled parking tag. ( To be used at discretionary times of course) As the nurse said "If you are feeling fine, don't use it to go sprinting into a store!". Well said.

After having been a patient there for four years, of which two I neglected to go, and then got yelled at because I had waited too long in between visits) The meds I am on are potent, and apparently I need to have my liver checked. Go figure!

She entered the exam room to prep for the procedure and I felt bad because I can never remember her name! Karen, Candy..I don't know. She is probably 75 and wears fuchsia lipstick, (quite a look let me tell you) , she found me crying. I don't know why. People don't understand the illness, and some days I am fine, that is the paradox. And then the next day I am not and they don't understand. She was very comforting, putting her hand on mine, and saying in a motherly way that everything would be ok. In lieu of my own mother, who mostl ikely would not do that anyway, it was very nice to feel something from someone.

To feel this bad at such a young age, it makes me want to scream and shake people when they sit around and eat, and complain and are fucking lazy, because they should be MOVING. All I would like to do at my age, is move freely without it in the back of my head that I could have a flareup. But I cannot.

Money comes and goes
Friends come and go
We love our family but don't always like them
But when you have your health you have EVERYTHING.

Friend or Foe?

I have always for the most part, had a lot of men friends. I guess because of my early years in the gym, being completely surrounded by men, it was an easy and natural choice, to hang out with the other side so to speak.

Sure I had a few women friends along the way, I would meet usually at work, and we would get close, but not too close. There have been a group of women I have let into my life. I can count on my hand the meaningful and satisfying relationships that have endured the test of time. And there have been two relationships I hold dear, that have lasted a lifetime. One I have known for 46 years, and the other probably for 36 or so years, each capturing a part of my life and my soul and I cherish the time I spent with both of them.

Some other friends whom I have reconnected with, and missed terribly while we were lost to one another, Peggy, Sandra, and some that I cannot locate...remain close to me, and I laugh out loud when I think of time spent with them.

I know I am not an easy person sometimes. I am very direct and to the point, and sometimes that makes people uncomfortable. So the friends I have, know that I will speak my mind, and they deal with it accordingly.

There are another segment of friends that I met mostly at work, and sometimes it can be months that I don't hear anything, yet I am always happy to get an email or a call from them. I don't need the constant day to day attention, but it is nice to know they are there, and when we need one another we gravitate back to each other.

But what happens, when one still wants to be friends and the other does not. It happened to me once in my lifetime, maybe twice, leaving me dumbfounded. I didn't understand it, until recently when I did the exact same thing to someone who had grown very close to me. I had an epiphany, as I walked away, nary a worked the the woman, who was left to wonder what happened. I never explained it, just went MIA for the last six months until she began to email me, after running into a few people I had seen. To be honest. I did miss her. And I was always thinking of her in some way ...but i had so much going on here , in my own little world, that I guess I just didn't have enough to go around. Things happened, things were said, and both sides were hurt. But it was her determination to not lose the friendship that stirred me. She apologized over and over, and I am hoping we can make amends. I apologized for hurting her, something I had not done , and to be honest I was just too tired to hold onto the anger anymore. I have had a lot of anger running through these veins, and I'm done. I cannot be angry, all the time. So I'm letting it go. Opening a window and letting it out to dissipate or attach itself to someone else. Whats the saying? "Time heals all wounds?"

If I can forgive my father, certainly I can forgive a friend.

News Break

I am on a roll.

I have called the Palm Beach Post, and I have written Good Morning America regarding our adoption story. I explained our experience in detail first, to a woman editor who deemed the story newsworthy. She then passed me on to an older gentleman ( and I use the word loosely) and he seemed to be on the fence.

I made the connection between our surrogacy and the use of fertility clinics and egg donors and how that would tie into the Natalie Sulomon story..and the only good out of that woman having eight babies, will be the crackdown on fertility doctors and clinics alike. I told him of the adoption agency, using our money and not putting it in escrow. I explained the extortion and ridiculous things we have been through in order to get a baby. And I told him if he didn't do the story, that I would find someone who would. I am not taking no for an answer .

I think instead of writing the head of the department of legislature that handles the adoption law, I will give them a call.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease.