Hmmmm

I've decided to resurrect this blog and I begin today.
I'd lime to say that with my absence things have changed but they have not. The adoption world is still an abyss of deceit, but I will save that for another time.
We did adopt a baby 27 months ago and wow have things changed. Our hearts are full and happy, and he brings light and love to us ever day getting us through some very dark times
He is talking and in school and learning new things ever day. I marvel at how smart he is and how lucky we got on that fateful day when we got that phone call.
Since then we have been matched three other times, and not gotten a baby.
So I have to believe that if it is meant to be it will happen.


In other news we getting ready to move, and I'm ready to start a new chapter.
Stay tuned.

Where did the time go?

Its been way too long and there is a definite reason for my resurrection to this blog. I find myself very frustrated. My hopes were that in two years the adoption process would have somehow gotten easier.
Untrue.
Lies, deception, more lies...
The deep dark story will be revealed here.. Stay tuned.

Big Boy

Five Months

Here we are at a little past the five month mark. It has been a couple of months since I have posted...but given that I am working a lot to promote Crumbylove and teaching and taking care of the baby, I find little time left. I do facebook a little, just to keep up with everyone else.
Chase is big and is starting to talk a little. He weighs about 20 pounds and just keeps getting bigger.
We have gotten him out of his swing which he loves, into a jumper and he like sit, but we are careful not to overdue it for him. We are working on his tummy time and getting him to sit up...all milestones that I hope he continues t progress towards. He is a happy laid back baby...and is eating 2x a day plus his bottles. He loves to eat!
It is fun to watch him, and we are amazed with every new thing he does.

I start a new job at the beginning of November and I am thankful that I was chosen. It is an exclusive club and the members expect a lot in the way of attention and customer service, and I hope to be able to provide them with that, plus do a good job teaching. I started a new certification process for a stretching program, called Ki-Hara. They are based here in Florida and have been stretching Dara Torres (the very successful Olympic swimmer) and it is something different...It is stretching with applied resistance, and it is very challenging and exciting. I have taken Level One and hope to get through all five levels! It will take me some time, and I am thankful that my husband is such a big help with Chase. He adores him, and loves to spend time with him. So on those weekend's when I have class, he steps up!

The economy is tanking and for the first time, I am actually scared. Scared for everyone. We are definitely being more careful about what we spend, where we go, and will continue to do so. With diapers and formula I am getting coupons, and well, every little bit helps.

Ii am hopeful that the economy and everyone in it turns the corner soon. It would make for a great 2010, and if unemployment started to drop and people had more confidence. Lets all collectively keep our fingers crossed.

BIG BOY

Three Months

Well it is hard to believe that three months has passed since we brought Chase home from the hospital. It has been a transition of sorts, going from being childless, to being responsible for a tiny infant. Overwhelmed (but grateful) is one word to accurately decribe the feelings that have been flowing through me, and it is just taking time for me to adjust.

Chase is a good baby, peppered with bouts of restlessness and unquenchable hunger. He is two month's in the phote above, and I head meant to update this sooner, but well,,,I'm either exhausted or busy. I am still working a few hours a week , both teaching Pilates and baking, so that takes up whatever free time I have after the baby.

My mother who is very ill , drove down from North Carolina to see the baby and spend a week. She is limited in what she can do, so us leaving her with the baby was not an option. It sometimes felt like I had two babies , since she is on oxygen and is so slow getting herself together. Most days we left the baby with Daddy and headed out. She especially liked the Deli we have close by , reminding her of all the NY food she cannot find close to her home in North Carolina.

I am happy she made the effort to come see us, even though we would like to get up to see my brother and his family for a holiday this year. Hopefully it works out and we are able to travel.

This has been thebusiest three months of my life but I am drinking it all in. Savoring each moment with the little guy. He is just too cute!

Lucky Me

I have to say I have had the great opportunity to have had contact with some wonderful people through this blog. The comments that most have left are wonderfully uplifting, supportive and generous.

Chase is thriving, and he is a wonder. I am lucky. I do say lucky, given that all we had been through before had been so bad, that I had all but given up.
I am enjoying my time with him, getting to know him, and marking his milestones. I'm waiting for his first laugh. I love to laugh so that will be a great day. I will be his chief entertainer for a while so I am brushing up on my funny.

He is big and gaining weight and loves to eat. I wish he was waiting a little longer between feedings thus allowing me to get a little more rest, but his Dad is stepping in when I need it, and he has been great.

He has lost a little of the peach fuzz that adorned his head, and I eagerly await it's replacement. Will it be light or dark? Curly or straight? Will his eyes stay the color they are or darken more? Each day I scan him for changes, and noted today he looks a little like Buddha. Chubby and smiling.

Every day he is here is better than the day before, and it is true that you don't realize the capacity in which your life is changed, simply by the introduction of another human into it, until your world is turned upside down in one day.

Why is it....

That some of the most religous people I know, are the ones who:

May go to church, but talk about people behind their backs

Spend the majority of their time quoting "What a sin?" when they are sinning all the time.

Foster bad feelings

Pass judgement

Lie, Cheat and Steal

And many other things, that are annoying. I'm not perfect, but if you are going to tout yourself as the second coming, and cram religon down my throat, the question remains:

"Shouldn't you at least practice what you preach?"

Update

Well, with numerous visitors strolling through our doors lately perhaps the nicest one for me was my sister coming out from California for a week.It was unexpected and so appreciated.

I love her and miss her, and when they moved to California we drifted apart a bit, and it has been maddening trying to keep up and catch up all these years. Her kids are grown (almost), and I so cherished this time with her. We did the usual baby stuff, but she went above and beyond helping at night, while my husband and I were trying to catch up on sleep! I have a feeling that I'll be playing catch up for a very long time!

Saying goodbye to her at the airport was very hard...I don't cry easily but I wanted to bawl my eyes out and yell, "Don't leave me!"

Sad, that she is not closer. It was my best compliment yet when she said I was doing a great job. From a pro that means everything!

Baby Love

Beautiful Boy

It's late. As I hold Chase, swaddled tight in a baby blue receiving blanket, I stare. His eyelashes faint blond, are starting to sprout, his cheeks pink and full ,and his chest rises and falls in a rhythmic cadence. Occasionally he twitches , then smiles, then gets back to the business of sleeping.

He is a wonder. I think a lot about him while he is sleeping in my arms.

Hoping that in my ability to mother I will let him be himself. That I will teach him, but not be demanding. That I will be able to foster his interest, consistently so that he will know the joy and comfort of routine and responsibility.

That I hope to guide him to be kind and loving to all things, including animals. ( Cause to me, if you are not an animal lover, sorry I don't trust you!) That he will know that in life to be successful is not dependant on money or materialistic things, and having those things is an innate gift, not a given.

To show him that is always better to give than receive, and that the pleasures of small things, playing outside, going to the beach, the fascination of the outdoors and people and life is much better than sitting in front of the TV.

I'd love him to live without fear or regret and that in living, learning to confront issues head on and deal with mistakes without faltering shows the true measure of a man. And that in confronting, or handing matters, doesn't have to be sticky or unpleasant if handled correctly. I will teach him to love and respect everyone, in the same manner in which he hopes to be treated.

And I will let him know that is OK to be afraid, and unsure. And that we don't worry about things that we cannot control or change, or worry about the future.

For me mothering is new. I have watched many of my peers become mothers. Some good, some not. I have watched with great detail my own mother and mothers around me, and out of all of them, my mother did the best. She is always there in the background. She steps to the forefront when needed, but is not overbearing and does not inject her presence unless it is asked for.
She ruled with an iron fist at home, and while sometimes she was scary, it was necessary. All three of us , never got into trouble. We don't lie, cheat or have personality issues. Not to say that we are perfect. We aren't. But so many of my friends mothers simply didn't care, or weren't there, or were weak. Parents cannot be weak! So I hope to be that kind of mother. I grew up loving life. Looking for challenges and trying to better myself. I hope I can keep that up.

After all the trials and tribulations the last eight years, it was had not to become cynical. Dealing with schemers and liars and people solely taking advantage of the system because they know they can, truly tested my faith in humanity. But as I sit and look at him and marvel at the joy of him .. he is ours. It was luck. I know that. After all he was originally intended to be placed with another family, who got a call about another baby across the country. He came early...thus making him available. Why we were chosen, I don't know exactly. But I am glad we were.

He has given life a new meaning. And as cliched as it sounds, it makes me hopeful for the future.

I will give him the foundation for which he builds his life.

Mommy?

A title that I thought I would never own, bestowed upon me hastily, that in that time, I had little time mysef to reflect.

My own mother is ill and cannot travel to see the baby. But I want her here. I would have loved to have her guiding me, empowering me. Honestly, I don't think my own mother wanted children. She did what was expected. She was a good mother, albeit a little scary at times, which was good I think. It kept us in check, and I always had a healthy fear of her. But after getting home, realizing that things would never be the same, I felt what many mother's probably feel. The innate ability to protect and to take care . Putting him first is my priority now.

I still don't feel like a Mother. But I am working on instinct, and I am good with him. I have waited so long for the little moments, and I can't wait to replicate some of what my mother gave me. A love of books from being read to. A strong sense of self. And the ability to be compassionate for all things.

I sit holding him, and smell his sweet smell, and talk to him, like he is old enough to understand.

The dialogue is starting now.

How he came to us, the story of his birthmother, the chase of a baby.

He will know everything, as that is his right. I do not fear him wanting to find his first mother at some point. I expect it. And if he so chooses, I will guide him every step of the way in his search, bringing to close the circle of life, that finally brought me my son.